Everything comes at a price

Just this morning or rather yesterday morning I was thinking about this thing called stability.

That just like everything else in life, stability comes at a cost. Its cost is this thing called boredom.

Its like you want stability in your life, and without realising it, when you have stability, you are in effect establishing a "common" thing in your life - be it a routine, or a particular place of abode, or habits, something that you do everyday, somewhere you go to every time... you get the idea.

And when you have excitement in your life (that is, the lack of boredom) it is difficult for you to have stability because everything is always constantly changing. And part of the excitement is to be on your toes every time - you dont know what is going to happen next, you have to be on the look out every single time.

Nothing wrong with both.

The world values stability. Remember those Supernanny shows where she establishes a routine for the family and then writes them into this huge cardboard to be put on the kitchen. Well, according to her, children thrives in routines because it provides stability for them - they know what is going to come next. In the same way that it is good to discipline children because they know they are going to endure the consequences of their action.

If only the real world is as predictive as that.

It is true that as children we are very much sheltered from the harsh-ness of the world. Its like eventually we are going to get a taste of it anyway so we may as well be sheltered from it for as long as we possibly can be. Then in the process we turn out to be little monsters. Or in this case, big monsters. haha.

Ok, not funny.

Sometimes we have a lot of conflicting thoughts, morals, lessons, teachings in our lives - which are especially difficult when they contradict the things that we want. Or if we dont know what we want, it is also difficult because we have to figure out what we want within the boundaries established by these stuff that we dont even quite understand (although see the values of).

The real test of life is not just about how you thrive, but also about how you get up after you fall. How you get up after you broke your legs. How you manage to stand again on your own two feet. Thats the essence of living.

Somethings in life just dont work. And while you are discovering that, you may fall down and you may be broken. And it is useful to remember that the only way is forward. Move on no matter what happens. Stability or no stability. Excitement or no excitement. It is all about choices. Make the good choices and dont look back with a what-if. Thats something that needs to be done before making the choices.

PMS is a bitch. Need I say more?

Le sigh.

Not to purchase

I really should not be making promises that I know are difficult to keep.

And whilst I know that fact a priori, it still does not stop me from making promises that are difficult to keep. My latest is this promise I made to myself that I am not going to purchase anything for myself (the only exception is food and travel expenses) until Boxing Day.

Without wanting to add extra layer of challenge into this whole thing, lately, we have been hanging out in the mall.

Is it just me, or is the financial crisis resulting in more sale signs being put up everywhere? Like sales growth is slowing down, so lets put prices down and keep things going. The temptation to buy buy buy has never been this strong strong strong. Thankfully, equally strong is my enduring ambivalence not to purchase anything for myself. At least so far anyway.

My birthday is coming up and a few years back, I started this tradition of birthday shopping - that is, a day where I just shop shop and shop for myself. This year, I made my promise without factoring this fact. So it would be very interesting as to whether or not I am going to buy anything for myself on that day. In my defense though, logically, it makes sense not to purchase anything until Boxing Day - given that I dont really need anything, I just want a lot of things, I like a lot of things and want to have them. Plus, I can afford them if I want to. So the challenge of self-control has at least quadrupled.

Needless to say, what I want from this exercise is breaking a habit - shopping for unnecessary things that end up cluttering the house and draining the bank account (ok, draining is an exaggeration, but you get the point). Believe it or not, I have not read the last Harry Potter book and it was going for $9.95 at Borders. Almost bought it - and didnt buy it. And very happy about it.

(And please dont buy any book for me because I really dont want to have any more paper books - what I am waiting for is an electronic book that I can read, say off my mobile phone or something. That sounds a bit far fetched at this point in time, so I am pretty happy to substitute it for something else that is equally attractive in performance. Whilst I love the bookcase and all the books displayed in it, I really dont want to add any more paper books to my super small apartment. I much prefer to have it in a small compact device that I can carry anywhere with me.)

Then I ask myself if the Harry Potter book was going for $1 or less, will I buy it? Honestly, the answer is probably yes. But since that would entail me breaking my own promise, I have to say that I am going to ask someone else to buy it for me. hehe.

That brings me to my final point for this post. I told the people around me about this and they are all very encouraging about it. I am not a reckless spender so its not like everyone is curbing my spending (In fact, to those who are close to me, I am known as the queen of bargain shopping). The one thing that brings a smile to my face is that everyone is offering to shop for me! Beloved said that "sure you cant buy anything for yourself, but other people can still buy things for you".

Since that defeats the purpose of the exercise, as part of my enduring ambivalence, I have been declining the offers. Yet the gestures touch my heart. Because I know they are sincere.

I guess, Im loved by many.

Why so serious?

I swear I dont want to write anything about relationships ever again. Or talk to anybody about it, except for the person in question. A lot of the things that I do in this life are not necessarily out of logic (gasp). A lot of things that I cant quite pin-point to words - because I just dont know how to say them. I dont know whether words have been invented to describe them.

That said, at times, I have to say I hate explaining myself to other people - even those who are close to me. Because I dont feel that I am being listened to. And that is a shitty feeling - because when I have decided to talk, I want and expect to be heard. I understand that people come into conversations with preconceptions and judgments - and that is fine - yet I deserve to be heard. Even when my points do not logically make sense.

I hate it when you get pissed with me just because I cannot put a certain kind of certainty into a lot of things in life. I may want A and I work hard to get A and guess what - even with the best of intention and action, it is still possible for me not to get A. Not because I did not work hard enough and not because I did not want it hard enough, it is just a brickwall that forces a reconsideration of whether (1) I really want A and (2) I should drop A and pursue something else.

I was reminded of one of my exes - and the fact that he was (and still is) always so angry when I change my mind and opinion about certain things. Or when my choice is inconsistent with my previous views on things. So I am unpredictable - and again, one of my exes (a different one) said that this is a bad thing: people should be predictable. That screams "BORING" to me. Unpredictability makes life colourful and interesting - lets face it, we will never know what is going to happen, unless of course, we are GOD. But we are still human.

It boils down to - why so serious? Take reality lightly - most things in life are changeable, and if you want to change them, then change them. At the same time, be aware of the fact that you cannot change other people unless they themselves want to change.

At the end of the day - it is my life. Yes it sounds so selfish, but I am the one who has to fall asleep at night and so therefore it is better for ME to be comfortable with MY own decisions, even when you dont understand why I took those paths. Are you going to fall asleep on my behalf. Are you willing to spend those sleepless nights with me - only to realise that I would return to doing whatever it is I want to do in the first place anyway.

I have never asked you to understand me. Or to support me. Or whatever. I dont expect anything along those lines from you. I do expect you to respect my choices in life - including how I approach it. It is hard enough to have other people criticising my choices in life, I dont need an additional person to do it.

You dont want to see him thats fine. We will just hang out outside the house. Without you.

Wardrobe cleaning

--Back from LA and the super long holiday in the USA. Back into the comfort and familiarity of Sydney.

--Spent the weekend doing wardrobe cleaning. If you have the slightest clue as to how I live at the moment, you would understand the significance of the activity. I am pretty neat - I would even say that I am a neat freak - and yes, I tend to know where everything is. Because there is a high probability that at some stage, I was putting things away. To clean things up.

--So the story goes like this. While I was in LA I was exchanging ideas with my beloved (sister) about minimalistic living. I was travelling for two months and had to pack a single big suitcase, with only four pairs of shoes. I only bought an additional pair while I was there - and I think that is a big achievement, given that there are so many pair of cuties around.

--My minimalistic living doesnt last too long - in fact, it was kind of prematurely killed because I was shopping and shopping and shopping, which expanded my collection, up to the extent that I would not call it minimalistic. I have two super silly reasons for this. One - I like shopping and shopping is a blast in this part of the world; given the limited time that I stayed, I just had to make the most of it. Two - I dislike wearing the same outfit when taking photos. hehe.

--During wardrobe cleaning yesterday, we toyed around with the idea of minimalistic living yet again. Of course this is only in spirit and not in practice just yet. We translated it in the form of having a minimalistic wardrobe and putting the stuff we think we dont want to wear in the next month or so in storage. Every month, we are supposed to repeat the process and rotate our collection this way - in an attempt to prevent ourselves from shopping unnecessarily. And of course, donate the things that we know we dont want to wear anymore.

--I feel sorry for beloved sometimes. I mean its like - she is perpetually running out of things to wear. So I keep giving her things to wear. And she said that she does not want them because they are nice and she reckons I should wear them. Ok, of course those things are nice and I do want to wear them (otherwise they wont be part of my collection) - point is that I want her to wear them. She accepted them in the end - I am just persuasive like that.

--I have set aside four bags exploding with clothes and accessories that I want to donate. One of these days, they are going into the collection bin. And yeah, it feels good to be opening my wardrobe and not have stuff exploding out of it.

On same-sex marriages

Being stuck in the house all day on the other side of the world has its upsides. One of which is to engage in the local current affairs. In CA, it is about legalizing Same-Sex Marriage. Brad Pitt is in favor of it – he donated $100,000 (USD) to fight gay marriage ban (for reference google it yourself). Now, I don’t know about you, but I personally would not use a celebrity’s action as a basis to form an opinion. No offense, Mr Brad Pitt, on the extremely remote chance that you are reading this, I am not saying that your opinion has no merit or that you are extremely stupid. And no offense to all celebrities out there (or anyone who is affiliated with them) who are reading this – I am not saying you are stupid or silly or anything along those lines. If your arguments have merits then rest assured that someone smart out there would take them into account.

The issue is more or less like this – in a country where freedom is put over and above everything else (remember, this is the country that would fight for freedom and spend billions of dollars fighting for someone else’s freedom, even when that “someone else” is not its citizens), two people who are in love, irrespective of their sexual orientation, and are expressing their life-long commitment should be recognized in the eyes of the law. Sure we may have come a long was towards fighting for social recognition and acceptance and still the battle may not have been won – in the sense that in this day and age, there is always the freedom to do whatever one pleases with one’s life, and subsequently, the society as a whole learns to respect these personal choices and passes little, if any, judgment on any individual and their choices in life. It does not mean that they accept it; it just means they are deliberately turning a blind eye by not causing any trouble for anyone who is involved. This is perhaps similar to not caring at all: you do whatever you want with your life and I would do whatever I want with mine, we don’t say anything with regards to our respective choices and we don’t pass on any judgment whatsoever because we respect each other’s right to choose.

So with that frame of mind, why not allow same-sex people to be legally married. Since there are a lot of these people who are currently on a de-facto relationship and would love to be legally married for whatever reason there is. Beside, these people are raising children anyway, so why not allow them to be a part of this institution called marriage.

Let’s define a couple of things, so that we can agree on the use of terms.

1. The institution of marriage

A marriage is a union, usually characterized by the following: close, intimate, voluntary, life-long, between two-people only, usually of the opposite sex. Some may argue that a marriage can be involuntary, as in the case of arranged marriages. Some may argue that a marriage is not necessarily life-long, especially in this day and age as evidenced by the high rate of divorce. I am not an expert on marriage so I am not going to comment on these things. To keep things simple lets just say that when the word marriage is used, it usually denotes a close and intimate union between a man and a woman who are in love and voluntarily want to devote their lives to each other for the rest of their lives. A marriage is almost like a natural progression of a romantic relationship, usually followed by having children.

2. The need for law (and legalization)

Basically, we have laws in our society mostly to preserve order, or if you don’t like the term, to prevent chaos. In a way, it is like laying down the standards of acceptable behavior, and formalizing what is wrong and what is right – most of which people should already know anyway, but may forget at times. Further, when enforced properly, the law should deter future offenders because there are penalties attached to breaking the law.

(I can dwell on forever on this point but I am not going to. I think the above paragraph should be sufficient for this purpose. Law professors who are reading this can engage me in a more intellectual discussion of the purpose of law and legalization of standards of behavior with me – just email me.)

Laws are generally man-made. Some may say that this is not necessarily true, as in the case of religious laws (although this point is of course arguable). Understandably, there is a lengthy process involved in setting the law – and this would entail a discussion of what is right and what is wrong. And as anyone would appreciate, what is right and what is wrong may not be so clear cut, especially where different individuals are concerned. After all, we live in a multi-cultural, multi-religious society. What is regarded as acceptable in one culture/religion may not be so in another. As a response, the state and culture/religion are separated, at least in the US anyway (or so it seems). So government can govern the country independent of the values of say, Christianity, or say, the European traditions.

There is an intimacy side to marriage, and in particular, an emotional intimacy – and the value of this intimacy is increasingly being recognized by the society, at least here in the US of A. Marriage is no longer just about a license to have sex – because we are already engaging in sexual activities with a person we are not married to (lets just be frank here ok – and if you don’t want to openly admit it, that’s fine, just don’t judge those who are admitting it openly). Marriage is also not about having children – because a lot of people out there have children before they are married and some are raising children as single parents. Neither is marriage a way to access benefits – because couples in de-facto relationships get more or less the same benefits as married couples. For the same reason, marriage is also not about getting social recognition.

With this issue, independent of any traditional, religious and/or cultural values, the notion of marriage has been challenged to a whole new level. Marriage has become something that is largely personal and internal – it is about an emotional intimacy that may not be attainable through other means. And subsequently, it is natural for two people who are in love and have been in a romantic relationship for some time to want to get married. At least, this is the argument put forward by those who want to legalize Same-Sex Marriages.

In addition to the above challenge, the purpose of law has also been challenged to a new level. In a society that is continuously evolving, it almost seems natural to ensure that the law is in-line with these changes, or at least, not contradictory. And in some ways, this is understandable: to continue to preserve order, the laws must be flexible yet firm at the same time. Flexible in the sense that it adapts to the change of time. Firm in the sense that it works effectively to preserve order and prevent chaos. Lets face it, a lot of things that are acceptable in this day and age may not have been acceptable 10, 20, 30 years ago.

Yet is that really the purpose of the law. Is adapting to changes, even when those changes are not necessarily good for the society as a whole, the real purpose of the law? Sure the law needs to be flexible, but how flexible. And should the law give in to the pressures of society, even when its merits are questionable? Does “everyone does it anyway” a good enough reason to legalize something?

I have many questions on the subject and very little opinion (if not none at all) at this point in time. I wonder if the law should be there to preserve some ideals, not just succumbing to pressures by society, disguised as “natural progression of things”. I wonder if there is going to be anyone (who is an expert, although not necessarily authoritative) who is going to come up and say that the law needs to preserve what the institution of marriage is originally intended for (whatever that intention may be).

If any same-sex couples and/or homosexuals are raeading this, please don’t take it personally – because I am not saying that Same-Sex Marriage cannot be legalized. Nor am I saying that it should be legalized. I am merely questioning certain issues – and I certainly do not wish to offend anybody in the process. I realize that the concept of legalizing anything is complex and requires extensive consideration, research and studies, discussions and debates and anything else that is necessary to arrive to such conclusion.

Sonnet 17 of Neruda’s 100 Love Sonnets

By Pablo Neruda
Available in English translation by Stephen Tapscott
Caught my attention due to Patch Adams the movie. Such a tear-jerker in places.

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms,
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:

where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Just let it go

--That is one heck of a powerful phrase. Just let it go. And then all is cool.

--That is one heck of a phrase that is easier said than done. And yeah, I chuckle as I write this.

--At the end of the day, everything is going to be alright. Let go, then breathe. Quit questioning for a while and just accept things the way they are. Sometimes we make mistakes, once we know it, rectify it and just move on.

--I am guilty of double standards though. I impose higher standards for myself and I expect less of other people. My shrink reckons this is a cardinal sin. Whatever I expect of me I should expect of everyone else.

--Nah. Just let it go.

Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours.

--Okay, okay. Here goes. Yesterday while hanging out at Huntington Beach area, cosying up in Starbucks with bro, witnessed this dude being taken away by the Police. Then there was an ambulance right smack in front of us and the stretcher and all. Noone gave a shit. This is LA.

--The night before, witnessed a dude handcuffed by the Police by the roadside after getting out of his car. Yep. This is LA.

--Spent the last three days hanging out with bro. First day went with bro and sis to South Coast Mall, the biggest mall in CA. Super cool. We got these pants at Club Monaco for $9 and matching Armani shirts $19 (same price as Cabazon's). Red tank top by Benetton $7.

--Next day off to Fashion Island with Bro. Wanted to check the OC museum but they have a bloody $10 entry fee and we couldnt take pictures, so we skipped that bit and off to Fashion Island straight away. Lux Jeans from Urban Outfitter $9. Tank tops at $6 each, one for me, one for sis. Sparkling peach lotion from Bath and Body works $6. Super cute underwear 3 for $10. Then off to Balboa Island. Fell in love with Newport.

--Yesterday hung out at Huntington Beach. Did not do any shopping. Been talking about so many things with bro. Too much things, we all get tired. haha. Been coughing every night. Tis funny that it only happens at night time. Sis reckoned I was just too tired. Thats ok. Will spend the whole day resting today coz everybody is off at work.

--Everyday have been consuming Starbucks. Damn, I am keeping that company alive!!! Its fine by American standards alright.

--Planning a trip to Las Vegas. Cant wait. Then San Fransisco. Then New York.

--Sis was supposed to go on this work thing, but she said "Family matters most to me." I almost cried.

--Last night, I realise I found love. Post watching John Q. That movie is such a tear jerker. Kind of like Sex and the City The Movie. Finally watched it on the plane.

--Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours.

Hello from LA

--I am in LA y'all!!! :D After more than 12 hours of flight stuck behind this really huge guy who just had to push back his seat throughout the flight, I am here in LA. hohoho!!! Koko and cici picked me up from the airport - and she recognised me straight away. Koko had to stay in the car coz he didnt want to park.

--Koko has this humongous SUV with lots of stuff inside it. Very cool. Very cosy. Love it. First destination: Bonjour cafe. But it was still closed when we got there, it was too early. So we ended up detouring to Starbucks. A much needed double-shot light frappucinno.

--Then we got to Bonjour and cc was crazy about the pannacotta (she bought everything to go) and we had cheese cake. Then we went to this Japanese grocery store coz cici wanted to buy some snacks. Then we were off to lunch - this is the resto that cici works in called... err... Izikuza Ojiya. I think? The food was great - it is officially the best karaage that I have ever tasted. The grilled chicken was just alright, it fell pale in comparison to the karaage. Unagi was thick and melt in your mouth. Cici ordered this tempura with rice and egg, and she told us that that dish was perfected to perfection and that one minute difference in putting in the ingredient makes the dish taste different. With so much thought and experiment put on the dish, no wonder it tasted so great.

--Now, now. I was too excited that I forgot to take pictures. So there will be no pictures for this entry ok.

--We were off to WalMart since I had to buy toiletries. The shampoo and stuff cost generally around 3.50ish (compared to like 7.50ish back home). There was also a nail spa attached to it and acrylic full set was $16 I think. I am so doing my nails here!!!

--I got a SIM card with a marginal LG phone by AT&T for less than $10. When we got home I hassled koko to activate it for me. And it turned out that we need to recharge it before we can use it (although it said it comes with $10 worth of credit). So we gotta wait till we get the credit later before phone is functional.

--To send an sms, it cost $. To receive an sms, it cost $. To call it cost $, to receive a call it cost $. There goes.

--After resting for a while we went shopping to Victoria Gardens, which is less than 30 mins drive from koko's place, so it was close. Shopping is great here. More variety. More exciting designs. More stuff. And the starting price is lower too. And then there is discounts because apparently the US is in recession and retailers are boosting their sales. Smart move ;)

--Cardigan, jeans and dress. Sister, if you like the cardigan, you can have it. It is so coolllll... and I know you love cardigans :D

--Dinner was at the Yard Hall. Now, here is something kind of weird here. In order to order drinks, you gotta show your ID. And this ID has to come from this book which lists all sorts of IDs all over the world, and the only ones approved from NSW is the gold driving license. Yep, you guessed it. I could not order any alcoholic beverages because I didnt bring my passport with me. Note to self - bring passport everywhere you go.

--The portions here are humongously huge. And we ordered only appetizers. They were sized like mains. Ouch. I swear if I gain weight while I am here I am going to kill myself. Oops.

--We drove back and stopped by at a petrol station to grab the recharge card. Got home. Sent sms to sister and Boy. Spoke to koko till I fell asleep. I swore he must have watched me sleep for a while before kissing me good night.

--The sms I sent to my sister was received alright. I am not sure if the sms I sent to Boy was received though. Oh well.

--My other phone died coz I didnt bring an adaptor for the charging thing. I was supposed to buy one when koko said he probably has some that I could use. Well, I asked for his charger instead. hehe.

--Nearly killed the house today because I pressed a wrong button that killed half of the appliances. I asked koko to get some instant coffee and to go home with a starbucks. I havent had my coffee for the day!!! Ate last night's left over. Called Nat and gossiped for an hour before bruptly interupted because koko was home. For a while. To fix the switch. hehe. oops.

--I am watching the Food Channel now, and all the cooks are uhm, on the large side. And they put butter in everything. Even on rice. So that it taste better.

--No wonder things taste so nice here. And I am slowly developing an anorexic syndrome. I am just scared to eat anything. ouch.

I send you a message of love

--This is a message of love, from me to you. I hated how we had to part last night. I wanted to lengthen that brief moment that we spent together. I wished you are still here by my side. I am yearning to be in your arms. I am aching to be close to you.

--I realise that you are not here with me and all that I want to do is just cry. And dont ask me why I am crying when we are not breaking up, you are not leaving me forever; we are just parting for a while. I just want to be with you. Right now. Everyday. Every time.

--Stay safe my dear Boy... have a blasting time and come home in one piece. There is nothing in this world that you cant conquer.

--Right now, I know that I love you.

Pre-travel Anxiety

--Its friday morning and its raining...

--Last night couldnt make it to dinner. A thousand apologies. argh.

--Finishing up the list of things to do before flying off.

--Boy, I miss you and I am going to miss you even more. Lets hope we survive this.

Too deep

--I read this off someone's journal. GOD will not change your life, unless you have changed yourself first. Or something along those lines. On the surface it sounds like a conditional GOD's help kind of thing. Yet there is some elements of truth in it.

--In the sense that GOD may not be able to change you unless you are willing to accept those changes in yourself. That is, you must be willing to change yourself, working together with GOD to ensure that you have the best of life there is.

--This is something deep, perhaps too deep to be discussed on a Thursday morning.

--Still not looking forward to next week. Sigh. I guess I like living in Sydney more than I give it credit for.

Bleh

--I am tired. Just tired. Maybe coz its that time of the month. Maybe coz too much things are happening all at once.

--Gotta do some errands at Woolies for trip prep (even when I dont end up going next week, chance is that I may have to go at some point thanks to the non-refundable portion of the tick). Bleh. Never mind.

--Event tonight. So dont feel like going. Just tired.

--Gonna meet adf soon. Bitching session is gonna be so effin full-on.

[untitled]

--Tell me if this is going to end even before it starts. And tell me if you are going to blame everything on me. Tell that to my face.

--But I dont feel like talking to you ever. I am not a charity case and I dont want to be one.

The things we do for the people we love.

--Weekend was full-on intense. Two catch up sessions with adf. Went all the way to Cabra on Sunday with dear Boy. The things we do for the people we love.

--Havent seen adf in ages. Wanted to visit during WYD, but I was scared of not being able to catch a train back home, so we deferred it till yesterday. Adf's birthday is coming up so I wanted to treat her before I leave. hehe. And she is soooo nice. She even peeled the durian and jackfruit that Sister wanted me to bring home. The things we do for the people we love.

--I miss adf. Especially remembering I used to see her everyday. Coffees and bitching make a good combo yeah ;) There were so many people in Cabra on Sunday - and adf knows everyone! Mann... it was like living in Asia. Really. We dont need to fly to Asia, we got a taste of Asia right here on the suburbs of Sydney. Sounds corny. Yeap. Imagine living it.

--Boy said that he wanted to drive around more, esp to place he has never driven to. Turned out that he played football in the park near adf's place. Heh. So much for "never been to that side of the world". It was sooo funny... cracked me up.

--Mansions after mansions on that side of the world, more or less the same price of a one bedroom apartment here in the heart of the CBD. The price you pay for convenience.

--Camera battery died. Damn it. And boy cooked last night. Chicken breast with boscaiola sauce. His best meal to date :D yummm

--Couldnt sleep for most of the night. Maybe because of stupid period. Argh.

Adf-s

--This morning I woke up hungry. Nothing new. Got up, made breakfast, coffee, eat. Now in the virtual playground.

--Yesterday was lunching with adf. I am so going to miss her. Its nice to have someone who can understand what you are talking about and can relate to it one way or another. We discussed resistance yesterday. We reckon some people are just plain childish and should just grow up. She ended up paying for my meal. Awwww... thats very sweet of her. Mental note to treat her next time :D

--Got home finished work (thank GOD). Confirmed with adf about tonight. We are not doing Spanish after all (and b-i-l actually wanted to join had we gone tapas-ing). Adf wants Mango beer; I have a voucher courtesy of Entertainment Book. Adf and her SO arrived at my place and we made our way down to the Rocks. Apparently it was quite a walk (sorry). And we had to queue. So.Not.Going.There.Without.Booking.Again. Food was good. Beer was good. Most of all, conversation was good.

--Hell, bitching was good. We cant stand dealing with stupid people, especially those stupid people who are up themselves. Even worse when they are rich and they think they can do whatever they effin' want. Flaunting your wealth in front of other people is sooooo stupid. And equally worse are those people who hate others who are doing better than they are. Its like - helloooo... get over yourself. If you cant be happy for others then dont hate those who are happier than you.

--Less than 2 weeks before I leave. Adf couldnt believe that I havent started packing. Maybe I should start. Soon.

--Adf's SO ended up paying for my dinner. Mental note to take adf out next time. Going to miss adf so so so much... love her love her love her!

Overbooked

--Overbooked till I leave at the end of the month. SORRY to those who are getting back to me and have been turned down... :( I really didnt want to leave things till the last minute, but yeah, it happened, so... since I am overbooked, I am not going to say yes to anymore catch up sessions. And SORRY if I asked you for it and now I have to say no to it... :(

--Caught up with Twin yesterday. Love her love her love her. I guess there is a reason as to why we share the same birthday. haha. Note to self: gotta get Twin totally wasted when I am back. She's such goodie goodie and rarely drinks.

--Had this really long chat with Sister last night. One of those deep and meaningful. Mannnn... I so dislike those kind of topics these days but why oh why people keep talking to me about those???

--Ultimately, what happened in the past happened in the past and should stay in the past. It really does not matter whom I loved, whom I used to love, how many people I used to love, how long I loved them for, bla bla bla. Because right now, I dont love them anymore. It is very possible to temporarily love someone. Or you can call it like if that is the term you prefer to use.

--Finally, welcome once again to the world of blogging *sarcasm alert!

Good things in life

--We ate fish and chips last night. The best fish at chips at Sydney is at Mohr. Click on Mohr Fish. Place is small and it was jam-packed at dinner time last night. The best bit is that it does not smell fishy. I know it sounds weird; its true though! The quality is comparable with the ones I had while I was at Byron. Yes, its that good.

--We discussed eating healthily. According to boy we have been eating healthily, even when over the weekend, he was eating Mackers. Blame it on the job baby! Sister said that its time we start cooking, because we cannot eat out every single day. Even when we can afford it financially, it is putting a stress in our digestive system. She is right.

--I am not a virgin cook in the sense that I have cooked regularly before. For some reason I dont really understand, I dont really like cooking these days. Oh well. Thats what happen when you are living with someone who cooks for you (thanks Sis!). Sister said that its gotta be a team effort. All that I do these days is to look up the recipe on the net. And sometimes go shopping with her. And thats about it. Cutting, cleaning and the actual cooking itself I dont really do.

--Its thursday already, this week has gone by really really fast. I just realised how full my schedule is. Damn it. I am not going to be able to make anymore catch up sessions if I want to finish all of my work before I leave. Less than 2 weeks Ko!!!

--Koko was teasing me last night. He said you gotta give me a buzz just in case I cant wake up and pick you up from the airport. I told him he would probably be too excited to sleep. He said I am too confident. Well, we will see when the day is actually here, right Ko? ;)

Too nice

--Boy cooked last night. For the whole family. I am super touched. Thinking back about it, I almost cry. Why. Hm... because he is so nice. So so nice. At times I think about him - and wonder to myself, where do you come from?

--Lunch with sister, after so long. I miss her. Miss talking to her. Miss spending time just the two of us. Miss telling her so many things on my mind. Sigh.

--Finally, she got me my graduation present. Too nice.

that one thing in life

--I am still searching for that one thing in life. I shall keep searching until I find it. And when I find it, I will know that I am finally home.

--There are many different kinds of love in this world, and we can differentiate it and label it to our utmost satisfaction. In the end, there is only compassion and only kindness, when we take a moment to think about those we think we love, then we know that we do love them, no matter what kind of love it is.

--One should never argue with a racist or a fool. Or both.

Monday blues

Without wanting to sound like a whinger:

--this morning I woke up with a pain because I have been sleeping on the wrong side of the bed - literally. And it was freezing cold...

--I have so much work to do... arghhh...

--The house needs cleaning too. *&%$#. The laundry is in progress - again!!!

Another long day

--Ahemmmm... family.

--Lets look at the bright side.

--Some say that friends are GOD's way of apologising for our families. And perhaps that is very true. I guess if anything, at least for today, my friend cum sister is GOD's way of apologising for my mother.

--I managed to do the thing that I wanted to do with my sister: birthday shopping. Shoes and jackets for both of us. I foot the bill, of course. I think this is the best birthday gift of all time for a girl - shopping.

--My sister, thank GOD, is not a brand-conscious snob. Although she admitted to me that she dislikes doing bargain shopping on her own. Apparently, it gives her a headache. In contrast, I am happy to browse and browse and browse and feel cheated if I have to sit down. hehe. Opposites attract huh?

--Despite her not liking it, I am bluntly honest in front of my mother. Oh well, given the limited amount of time that we spend with each other these days, we may as well just be. In the Asian culture, this act can be interpreted as rude, especially since it involves the elders. I personally think the people in my life deserve a better treatment than pretension. So there goes. Dont like it - thats fine. I will pretend in front of you - in all respect. Just tell me so, anytime. (Just remember that you have to bear the consequences.)

--I dont think boys understand what it feels like for girls to have found that pair of shoes and that jacket and that jeans. But they can learn to be supportive in two ways. One is to provide the means to shop and two is to say that the girls look good in whatever they have bought. Bro-in-law picked us up after our endless bags of shopping. He is the best bro-in-law in the world, at least for today.

--Boy misses me today. He called twice. Awwww. He wasnt this sweet yesterday. In fact I didnt hear from him at all yesterday. Oh well. I guess that is what separation does to you - it gives you a chance to miss each other. This is great, of course, if done in moderation. Done over extended period of time, it sucks. Big time.

--Apparently, I have to learn speaking Chinese. I gotta start considering this seriously.

--Some pics now.

D-day

Today was another day of domestication. Woke up at noon and searched for the substance that softens my brain. Caught up with the happenings of the world and especially the economy. The AUD fell to 88.85. And I was hoping that it would reach parity by the end of the month. hgrh.

Two loads of laundry, and finally the laundry basket is empty for now. A stack to iron though and thank GOD thats not on my to-do list. tee hee!

Then grocery shopping. Mannn... I feel so rich with so much food at home. I know it sounds really weird. Yet whats the use of having money if not to feed, clothe and shelter yourself (and the ones you love). So I guess, with lots of food, clothes and a roof over my head, I am definitely very lucky. Oh, did I mention that I have a well-functioning body and brain? ;)

Watched the games - a little bit. I guess one of the use of having it is that it gives a lot of people something to do. Something to look forward to. Something to aspire to. A goal. Something to be proud of. And of course a universal recognition of something extraordinary.

Sister talked about this Chinese girl who talked about living through hardship before knowing happiness. And how focused she was to winning a medal in the Olympics because it would make her dad very happy. I thought about the last time my Dad wanted me to do something. It involved me going home and living with him. Sounds weird? Its ok - thats just what we do in Asian culture. In case its not obvious, I am a proponent of moving out and living alone. Well, maybe not alone, but definitely not with your parents aka being independent, paying and paving for your own way in life. Yet again, in Australia, it is an increasing phenomenon of having kids staying with their parents while they are saving for a down payment for a house/apartment. So there we go.

Anyway back to my dad.

Of course with my dad being my dad, he would not just say things directly to my face. I have to read between the lines. His lines. Thats ok insofar as I read things correctly AND I do them correctly. Otherwise - bleh. Good luck to me. This time around I read it correctly and I havent done anything to get a step closer to doing it. Every time I think about this I just feel this uncomfortable glitch. Then I heard the story of that girl who is training and competing in the Olympics not only to make herself happy, but also to make her dad happier. Man. I felt (still feel) inadequate.

I am not going speculate about whether my dad is proud of me or not - I dont think that is up to me to decide. My step-mum is proud of me though, she told me that (directly to my face).

Spent a long time talking to sister about so many things. She told me that she is making up for the fact that we are not going to see each other for 2 months. Everyone is jealous of us. Because we talk a lot to each other. In fact, we have been talking non-stop whenever we are together in the same room. She said she is following DS's advise of talking to people and asking their opinions; that is supposed to have the effect of exercising your brain. She is one of the few people whom I can engage in a variety of topic and can stomach my honesty, so thats really good. And it helps that we are listening to each other.

The Great Moderation was a fraud

This one is from The Daily Reckoning.

--Here is a thought for you to consider this weekend: the Great Moderation was a fraud.

--Central bankers round the world pointed to the period of high-growth and low inflation in the late 1990s and early 2000s as the so-called "Great Moderation." They essentially declared victory over inflation, after whipping it in the early 1980's and sowing the seeds for an 18- year bull market in equities. But they were not being truthful.

--It turns out inflation is a double agent and has been living among us these many years. You can imagine how the conversation with central bankers must have gone in the wee hours of the night in the early '80s. It was clear to them that de-linking the world's currencies from metal wouldn't be acceptable to the man in the street if it led to consumer price inflation.

--A man will tolerate a little inflation in his life, as long as it isn't noticeable. Or, in economic terms, the great fraud of fractional reserve banking and fiat money is tolerable so long as the decline in real purchasing power doesn't cause people to notice their declining standard of living.

--The oil shock of the 1970s-itself a response to the U.S. dollar being cut loose from gold-was just the kind of inflation even an idiot would notice. How could he not? You have plenty of time to notice things when you're waiting in line for gas.

--So under the banner of Paul Volcker, interest rates were put up and the forces of inflation retreated from consumer prices. But our point today is that they did not march home, disarm, and go back to doing whatever they do in peace time. Not at all.

--Instead, you can imagine the central bankers looking out over the global landscape in the late 1990s and noticing a wonderful thing: globalisation. Cheap labour in Asia would lead to years of low prices in manufactured goods and textiles. Consumer price inflation would be well and truly whipped! And what people couldn't afford to buy with savings, they could be induced to buy with the provision of massive amounts of tempting credit.

--"Dam the martinis, full greed ahead!" the credit peddlers must have thought. And so inflation, like a mob hitman in the witness protection program, was cautiously let loose back into the economy. He was redeployed with the same mission in a different market. Only this time he'd had some plastic surgery done and a makeover so that he would blend in with the locals. He would look respectable, desirable even, and be welcomed into American, Australian, and British homes with loving arms like a long lost prodigal son.

--Why? The central bankers realised that while people hate inflation in the things they buy, the love it in the things they own. If the central bankers could just get all the new funny money they'd been creating to get into asset prices, well then their lifelong project of enslaving the common man to debt would be so much easier. Wall Street was eager to help, and a powerful machine to impoverish the average punter was born.

--Boy has it succeeded. As credit grew faster than GDP in the entire Western world, it seemed to make people richer day by day. First stocks went up. And then when they stopped going up, Alan Greenspan lowered U.S. interest rates so much they were negative in real terms. That kicked off the housing boom. Eventually, in response to all this bustle of activity in the U.S. housing market, and also in response to the huge increase in global population, much of the new money printed by central banks found its way into the commodity market.

--Everything went up everywhere. The trouble is that no one is really any wealthier today. The inflation in asset prices (houses and shares) is giving way to debt deflation. There are two reasons for this.

--By creating money out of thin air, the central bank stimulates unsustainable patterns of consumption. Production is increased too. But it is based on a bogus price signal. Consumers spend money they don't have. When the money runs out, or debt levels get too high, consumption must fall. All the money poured into productive assets based on unsustainable patterns of consumption becomes misallocated capital. That's why so many retail stores are going bust in the States, and why global factories are closing shop, and why mortgage lenders and homebuilders are dying off faster than T-Rexes.

--The second reason no one is wealthier is that the rise in asset values was just inflation in fancy clothes. Houses weren't suddenly worth ten times more than they used to be worth. They weren't ten times more useful. They were just ten times more expensive.

--The cause of all this is the same: government issued money not backed by any real asset, like gold or silver. But lest you think we're a nutcase, we're happy to suggest it can go on even longer. How long?

--The logical conclusion of a fiat money system where the government has a monopoly on the medium of exchange is, of course, one world currency. As confidence in particular national currencies fades (due to the mismanagement of politicians) it probably won't be that hard to encourage people to take up a new currency.

--People instinctively know that paper money isn't real wealth. It's just paper. But it IS awfully convenient, isn't it? And if you've ever tried to burn a note of currency in front of someone, you see how easy it is to convince people that money is wealth.

--It isn't. But it may not matter. We are moving closer and closer to cash-less society. Pretty soon, the government may just issue everyone debit cards and price everything in arbitrary units. The deception that everyone can get rich by having access to credit will be complete.

--But something cannot come from nothing. Production of goods and services has real costs, things like land, labour, and capital. This is why the price of tangible goods will increase relative to paper and digital currencies in the coming years. People will prefer to trade what they know to be worthless bits of paper that are declining in purchasing power for real goods. This has always been the case in hyper-inflationary melt ups. It is why shelves in stores are empty in the rush to get rid of the declining paper junk as quickly as possible.

--But aren't we a long way away from that, you may be wondering? Not as far away as you might think. Flawed money regimes can last for quite some time. They only truly begin to falter when two things happen. First, people notice a decline in purchasing power for everyday things. This has begun to happen in the Western World, although the benign effect of globalisation on consumer prices and the existence of credit have helped mask it.

--The crucial issue for a banking system based on garbage money is confidence. Lose it, and the game is up. That is, as long as depositors don't rush to the bank en masse to get currency, and then trade currency for tangible goods, then the fractional reserve banking system can go on its merry way for many years, just as it has been doing.

--Yet we reckon you'll see more and more smaller banks go under this year in America and around the globe. Why? The banks have a lot of debt-based assets and not much capital (in the form of deposits). This is already happening in the U.K. and the U.S. It does not take a terribly imaginative person to figure out where it might go from here.

--The banks take losses on the worthless assets (mostly residential and commercial real estate, but perhaps corporate bonds, GSE bonds, and ultimately the sovereign debt of the U.S. government). The losses on the assets wipe out the already-thin capital base (which wasn't much of a base to begin with).

--Of course the government may at some point decide to simply give the banks a holiday. This is a handy way of cutting of panic at the pass. Franklin Roosevelt did this a lot in the 1930s, to prevent serial bank runs in America. But this did nothing to improve the confidence of people that the financial system was sound. Indeed, they realised that the whole system was based on bogus premise, that money could be created from nothing have value as a medium of exchange. It made them more eager than ever to preserve as much of their wealth in things that could not be eroded away by inflation.

--But here we are eighty years later dealing with the same problem. How will it end this time? Which will come first, the Depression, or the War? Hmm. We'll get back to you on that next week. Until then, enjoy the Olympics. One world. One dream.

Day and night

The day
Just spent most of the day with Boy. The things that I do these days. I have time for everything, and that is priceless. I even have time to go to the Powerhouse Museum to check out the 12th International Design Festival (8th-24th August 2008). Yes, yesterday (friday) was the first day and yes, we were there.
The Powerhouse is uber cool, I cant believe that that was my very first trip. Man, all the things that I missed out. It is like this huge playground for adults where science and design meet. I can literally spend hours and hours there, amusing myself with all the things on exhibition. I guess it is really true, art does provide the reason for living (while science provides the means). Some of the things on display were a redesign of everyday tools, and I love love love them to pieces.
Although its in the middle of winter, the Chinatown night market was on. Does anyone know about this or have I been living in a cocoon - literally? Or maybe I just dont hang out Chinatown that much on Friday nights. Oh well. Nothing beats the taste of greasy salt and pepper squid that is not salty and definitely greasy.
It was so fucking cold. Bought a hat. Couldnt decide between the red/blue or navy/fushia. Boy got a massage (that apparently drained him of his cash - oops). Almost didnt buy it before Boy said just get this one - the pink is nice. So there goes - new hat.
Survived the day in 10cm heels. tee hee!
The night
Tonight Boy cooked again. It started with me wanting sausage and eggs and end up being the most delicious omelette I have eaten to date. And then Boy cleaned up the kitchen - and washed all the dishes. Apparently, Boy is a neat freak. Obviously, the kitchen is Boy's territory. And yes, I felt inadequate - big time. At the same time, I was happy, and the happiness overwhelmed the inadequate-ness, so yeah, I was (still am) very happy.
When they say that this Olympics is the best celebration we would ever see for many years to come, I find that difficult to believe. Until I saw the opening ceremony. O-M-F-G. It was massive and it was shockingly beautiful. Some geniuses must have been working their assess off to produce such a fantastic stuff. And the girls are soooo beautiful. I am a slut for beautiful stuff, so I cant help it. I cant stand ugly things.
Boy dropped me off home - and I hated being apart from him.

There is no love more sincere than the love of shoes

I love the Polyvore website!

Quick update

Wednesday
At times I gotta admire Boy. After working the hideous night shift, he did not sleep for a single second because he wanted to reverse his day back to normal. And the night before he promised to cook dinner. He even asked me what sauce I wanted for the steak - which he made from scratch. Owww...
I was in charge of dessert, which we did not get around to because, as some of you might have guessed it, Boy was too tired to do anything else post dinner. I offered to clean up and he said no - which I gladly obeyed, because I dislike doing the dishes. Come to think of it I dislike cleaning in general, but I dislike living in a messy space even more, so I perform basic cleaning stuff.

Thursday
Sister and hubby went back from Japan today so she has lots and lots of stories. And she cooked lunch and dinner. And we baked some muffins. Damn, I did not take any pictures because I was too busy having fun. Did I mention they were gluten free muffin. hehe.
They also returned with four loads of laundry. The second one is in progress right now, so as soon as that is done, I am off to dreamland. That also means the pictures will be up tomorrow. Or the day after. Depending on how early I got up. tee hee!
Cant wait to go to LA, esp after seeing sis' pics of Tokyo Disney Sea. Koooo, we so gotta spend days and days at anything Disney over there.

Deep down we crave the warm embrace of all-consuming love

Click here.

It got me laughing in places. And some parts of it is oh so very very very true (emphasis added):

... As one of my classmates, a genteel 60-year-old, said to me, “Every generation thinks they discovered sex.” Which might be true, but I’m not sure any previous generation has our plethora of options and utter lack of protocol. This may reflect how our media obsession has desensitized and hypersexualized us.

But I think it goes beyond that. Our short attention spans tend to be measured in nanoseconds. We float from room to room watching TV, surfing the Internet, playing Frisbee and finding satisfaction around every corner, if only for a moment.

...

We’ve grown up in an age of rampant divorce and the accompanying tumult. The idea that two people can be happy together, maturing alongside each other, seems as false as a fairy tale. So when a relationship ends, it isn’t seen as bad. It’s held as evidence that the relationship was never any good to begin with.

MAYBE it’s just that we have learned nothing can compare to the perfect moment of the unexpected hookup — wet lips on the beach, lying in the sand — and so we aim to accumulate as many as possible. Or maybe we’re simply too immature to commit. That has been the rap against guys forever, but now women think the same way. With the world (and the world of sex) at our fingertips, it’s difficult to choose, to settle, to compromise.

But I do occasionally wonder: If we can’t get past ourselves and learn to sacrifice to be with another, then what is in store? A generation of selfish go-getters fueled by nothing more than our own egos, forever seeking that rare dose of self-esteem? An era of loneliness filled with commercial wants and mate selection based on the shallowest of criteria?

As a staunch proponent of my generation, I believe that, despite what it may seem, we appreciate the ways of love and affection but are simply waiting for them to take over. We might dally in the land of easy sex and stilted text-message flirtation, but deep down we crave the warm embrace of all-consuming love.

I love sexy things

The following story is not about me. It is about adf. I know that I refer to a lot of people as adf - frankly because they are all dear friends.

So the story goes. Adf went to a session of photoshoot about two weeks ago to get some personal pics taken. Adf is beautiful and definitely photogenic. And adf has done a lot of preparation into the shoot - as in putting in lot of thought into the frames, what to wear etc. She was very excited about the shoot. She said I could come over, but couldnt make it due to you-know-what.

She had lots of stories about the shoot - afterall it was like, errr... 5 hours or so. Make up, hairdo, etc etc - the lot. She did not anticipate it to be that long and grew restless midway through the session. Her dad came to pick her up and the photographer (GOD bless him) was trying to coax him into buying an expensive package. Long story short, wrong foot.

A couple of days after that, she got to see the results - and picked a few that she would like to purchase. She seemed happy with the results at the time. Again, she wanted me to come with her and I couldnt because of you-know-what.

Fast forward to today - today is the day that she gets to bring the results home to show to her parents - who did not like most of them. Ouch. Now that is painful. Why. Because she looks too sexy in the pictures. Ooops. The photographer was a man and the model (i.e. adf) was sexy. Personally I like sexy things, so when I see her pics, I like it. Hehe. Studio shots, lighting is good, creative director (if there was one) is also pretty good.

As some of you may have guessed, because her parents didnt like most of the pics, she ended up not liking most of the pics.

Isnt it funny that the opinions of those close to us tend to influence our judgment on whether something is good or not. I would rather be told some honest opinions rather than having some sugar-coated version that I have to deconstruct. I dont like reading between the lines, I much prefer reading the lines, so can the lines please be as clear as they can be.

I honestly love the pictures, dear, because I love sexy things.

At times I think we are too focused on the results and forget to remember the fun we had in the process. I can almost hear the investment bankers screaming as soon as I say this. Its cool to be result-oriented at work because afterall, your performance is contingent on your result. I am talking in terms of personal attitude here, especially in terms of personal satisfaction derivation. If you are focused on the results and the result is great then thats great. Even when the process sucks you can still say that its great. If you are focused on the results and the result is not so great but the process is good, then would you say that you are happy nonetheless?

I am raising this point because adf mentioned that she was not happy with the pics because her parents didnt like most of them. Notwithstanding the fact that whether you like a picture or not is contingent upon your personal preference and taste, it is easy to get upset when the results are not what you would have liked others to like.

The whole photoshoot cost 1k, give or take a few dollars. For the excitement and enjoyment it brought to her life, I think it is almost priceless.

Then again, perhaps I am biased - because I love photoshoots and modelling :D
(I miss you Boy, wish you were here with me...)

Too much with my head

The world is depressing these days. Ok exaggeration. I have been reading the newspaper about recession, stagflation, interest rate rises, home prices bla bla bla.

To be honest, I dont really care about interest rate rises - not right now anyway. In fact, it is good because I am a saver. haha. As in I dont have any debt of humongous amount that I have to pay. This will change as soon as I take up a home loan. Since now is not that time yet, I am just going to (oh well) focus on the bright things, like the fact that the interest payment is contributing a nice amount to my pool of income.

What I would really like to know is how much food prices have increased. I get monthly invoices from my sister (if she is up for it) so I dont really get a taste of how much more expensive things are (everything that is divided by 3 is hardly significant compared to if you are footing everything yourself). We get rent increases and stuff, and again, dividing it by 3 softens the blow. Moral of the story - dont live alone if you cant foot the cost. Or live with other people if you want to up your savings. haha.

I am pretty much bored with my life these days. I like the fact that I dont have to work my ass off like I used to during doctoral years, yet at the same time I am lacking excitement. The solution to this (yea, I have researched this) is to ask yourself what would make you happy and start working towards those. Problem is (shock horror) I dont really know what makes me happy.

So I asked myself if having a billion dollar in the bank would make me happy. Answer is yes - I mean, who wouldnt be happy. It is a question of how long that happiness would last. Having money definitely takes away all the stress associated with not having money, and perhaps this in itself can qualify as happiness. Truth is that I am not quite too sure - possibly because everyone is different. I dont think my happiness is necessarily in proportion with how much money I have in the bank. If it is, then it would be too simple (and subsequently too good to be true). This is because if this were the case, then all I have to do is just work my ass off and accumulate billions of dollars in my bank account.

Yet I am smart enough to realise that this is not the only thing. There are other things, and some of these things are not only intangible and subsequently difficult to measure, the sense of achievements associated with attaining them can also be extremely difficult to appreciate. I was talking to adf about this yesterday, and she attempted to illustrate that all that we want in life is to be happy. What makes people happy is a totally different story altogether. And there is no fixed way/formula to find this out (quite understandably).

I am not quite too sure if this is a modern-urban-young-people thing or whether this is just a young-people thing; whatever it is, I just hope that I find the solution soon. At times though, I wonder if what I am searching for is a sense of security. If this were the case, then I think I am severely misled, because I think there is no sense of security when it comes to the inherent uncertainties of the future. Its like we know we have to deal with the consequences of our actions, although at times we may not be able to fully predict what those consequences are going to be exactly.

Or perhaps, I am just guilty of living with my head too much.

Inadequare manners

Read this article this morning. Got me thinking about my own manners. I.n.a.d.e.q.u.a.t.e. Big time! BIG TIME!

I mean its like - okay, manners - the things that you do and not do, the things that you say and not say. Perhaps it is true, in this day and age, a lot of the "rules" have been relaxed. Sure we respect everyone that we see (well, most of us do) yet at the same time, we are not that formal anymore. We become more colloquial and in doing so, I think, we establish a sense of closeness that may not have been there had the formalities were strictly observed. Like when I talk to my friends, I much prefer that they just be blunt, honest, direct to the point. And while to most people that may come across as rude and potentially offensive, amongst us, its just communication.

I do think there are certain things that one has to observe - like, for example, being on time to appointments, telling the person you are going to meet if you are going to be late (and the sooner you tell them the better, then they can be more in control of their time), responding to RSVPs, giving thank-you notes, not answering your mobile phone during dinner, not sms-ing during dinner...

I have my Dad to thank when it comes to these things. Mind you though, I can recall the times that he spoke on his mobile during meal times - and his excuse was that he was working. haha! Gotta love the man!

Maybe a set of mannerisms when it comes to technology needs to be written.

We are all connected

I had just found my cousin's blog!!! So its like officially the day and age where everyone is updating everyone over the net.

I like my blog(s). hehe. I like this one the best though at this point in time :D

Went to the Boat Show yesterday. Too many people. It was difficult to get a good shot. And my camera died. The battery went flat. Its gonna be alive as soon I charge it. hehe.



And that was in the rare times that he decided to smile in pictures :D

What do you think about love

Tonight we caught up with adf (another dear friend). Gorgeous, smart, super-hot. Super blunt, direct and asks the most difficult questions.

"What do you think about love?"

Well, I dont think about love, so I have no answer to that question. hehe.

I know that it is so easy for someone to say that he/she loves another. Talk is cheap. Action speaks louder than words. Get it?

The issue that got me most annoyed was, believe it or not, the door-matting willingness, evident through a lot of examples, especially the phone bill. Why is that across the many LDR couples that I happen to know, it is mostly the girls who are left or are currently paying for a hefty phone bill. And perhaps because this is a phenomenon that I see, I have no respect for boys who ask their girls to fund their lifestyle. If you do not have the means and resources for an LDR, then puh-lease dont have one. And girls, let your men be men, he should be footing at least 50% of the bill.

Tonight I went home and I thank GOD that I am with Boy. Really. He is warm and generous, and doesnt mind me wearing short dresses. hehe.

Boy noted that men often "returned" to their previous relationships. For many reasons, mainly because the women are too good to let go. I wonder if it goes both ways. It probably does, its just that I havent come across such situations.

And the final question of the night: "would you do a boob job?"

No, thanks. My breasts are fine the way they are :D

I would rather go shopping. tee hee!

[The Most] Wanted [Not]

Finally we get to hang out again. Our little 4-people gathering slowly becoming 6. And we watched the Wanted. And yes, I felt like killing him after the movie. I didnt though.

It was bloody (literally) and it was depressing. Far from a feel-good movie. Even the ending was depressing. Surely, revenge is not on the hands of mankind (or so I believe). It was full of evil, anger and pain; not to mention greed and manipulation. If you squint your eyes just a little bit then you would be able to focus on all the screen effects and fool yourself that the actors/actresses were good looking, and forget that the storyline and plot were just totally disgusting, if not non-existent.

I would not recommend it to anyone. I spent most of my time closing my eyes rather than watching the screen!!!

Although I would love to have the red car that Angelina was driving :D

Oh, Boy would love to see Angelina on some romantic comedy rather than playing the villain like she has been doing in Beowolf, Mr and Mrs Smith and of course, Wanted.

The corporate slaves

Hey youuuuuuu....

I am so going to ki** you tonight - do you have to wake me up at such insanely early hour? What could be more important than my beauty sleep? It takes quite an effort to look this good you know. And before you call me lazy a**, I stayed up till 3am working, thank you very much.

So now its like 11ish and I am so sleepyyyy... if I fall asleep in the movie tonight, its gonna be all your fault!!!

And why does dinner have to be so early? What happened to work drinks?

Home alone

Spent most of the day feeling sleepy (post morning activities - see below). It was good though, the sun was shining and all. Wanted to go shopping but couldnt be bothered going out after its dark. Hibernation mode is already on. hehe.

So ended up raiding the fridge for food. Managed to stay away from the ice cream Boy bought last night. woo hoo!

Sister and her hubby went to Japan a couple of days ago - and they havent sms-ed since they got there. Either their phones are not roaming or they are having too much fun. Lets hope its the latter.

That also means I am home-alone. hehe. Love this feeling. Cant wait till I have my own place. tee hee!

Oh, hassled bro to get me a couple of handbags. Bro said yes. GOD bless him. I have the best bro in the world. *hugs

The doctors

I have just been to the doctors. No, I am not sick or anything, oh well, not in the sense that I am strapped to my bed and unable to do anything.

Anyway, I didnt make an appointment, although I really should. I had to sign and drop off some documents so I thought I might as well dropped by the doctors. I have little inflamation on my arm, I might just get that checked. To ensure that I am not dying or anything. hehe. I still want to live, you know.

So I walked into the waiting area and told the receptionist that I would like to see a doctor. She asked if I have made an appointment. Answer is no (obviously). So she asked if this was urgent for today.

Of course it was urgent for today - duh... isnt that obviously the case since I am physically there wanting to see a doctor.

The waiting period wasnt that long - I swear I had made appointments before and was forced to wait for much longer. Got to see my doctor, showed him my upper arm, answered his questions, etc.

It turned out that he couldnt work out what was wrong with me, and he couldnt work out what caused the inflamation. He sent me with a prescription, said that it should be clear within a week (otherwise come back and see him) and off I went.

Dont you just love it when doctors couldnt even work out whats wrong with you. I am beginning to realise that as much as the medical profession would love to have an answer to everything, it doesnt, and subsequently we just have to live with that.

One thing he said that is still on my mind is whether I have eaten anything that might have caused this inflamation. I guess I should be watching my diet closely.

Boy came in last night with ice cream and I didnt want to eat it. Thanks for the gesture dear, and as much I love rum n raisin, I think I better hold off desserts for a while.

One's life

I do not understand. And I am not quite too sure how to describe the issue.

If one is living one's life, then presumably one is responsible for one's actions and decisions. And since one is living one's life, then really, the person making all the decisions and doing all the actions should be oneself. So one should be the one making all the decisions and doing all the actions.

If one's decision concerns oneself and only oneself, how can it be that that decision ends up hurting the people around one's life - especially since it does not concern them whatsoever. Why do people get hurt over a decision that someone they love make when that decision does not concern them whatsoever.

I just dont understand how they can be hurt, or how they can have the right to feel hurt, when the decision has got nothing to do with their lives.

Because, quite frankly, I dont see that act of getting hurt over someone's decision that does not concern you whatsoever as an act of love.

Having said that, should there be a line between doing what we think is the best for ourselves even when it hurts the ones that we love/love us the most (especially when you happen to think that they should not feel hurt nor have the right to feel hurt).

Insomnia - I can get no sleep

I dont really like myself these days. In some ways I have returned to the bad-habits during-doctorate era. The sleeping at 3am in the morning and the waking up at 7am, 8 the latest is the one that is bugging me the most. I have never put a lot of emphasis on sleep over the years, blame those high school years of chatting on the net until 4am and then getting up at 7am to go to school. It is a wonder that I managed to complete high school with those scores. And then the dreaded phrase: >>it could have been better<<

Then I feel absolutely shitty. The things that I did versus those that I could have done and I should have done and did not do. My one way ticket towards this thing we call unnecessary guilt trip - courtesy of myself, for myself. bleh.

Except that these days its not so much that I am doing anything useful, I just cannot sleep on most nights and end up falling asleep at about 3am and then waking up at 7 because I just cannot sleep anymore.

I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate not being able to sleep. Because I am so fucking tired and I just want to sleep.

What living is all about

We are all human beings, strong because we are living and vulnerable at the same time because we have a tendency to forget what living is all about. At times we forget what it means to have our health, to be able to wake up in the morning without pain, without a chronic illness, without monetary worries - among other things. We make do and we manage to save for the future, while balancing that act with enough enjoyment to keep ourselves sane. We may never know what tomorrow will bring; whatever it is, I know its going to be alright. When I was doing my doctorate, I did not have the slightest idea that I was going to have a book deal by the end of it - and I did. We have so much blessings in our lives, lets start counting them.

And its ok to be tired of life, to be bored with life and anything else along those lines. Its ok to feel down, really. Just dont spend too much time on it. Life has too much things in store for us. All we have to do is ask.

sistas

photo courtesy of bro in law :)

On the Sadness of Higher Education

By ALAN CHARLES KORS
May 27, 2008
Mr. Kors is a professor of history at the University of Pennsylvania.
Article can be accessed from here

Academics, in their own minds, face an almost insoluble problem of time. How, in only four years, can they disabuse students of the notion that the capital, risk, productivity and military sacrifice of others have contributed to human dignity and to the prospects of a decent society? How can they make them understand, with only four years to do so, that capitalism and individual- ism have created cultures that are cruel, inefficient, racist, sexist and homophobic, with oppressive caste systems, mental and behavioral? How, in such a brief period, can they enlighten "minorities," including women (the majority of students), about the "internalization" of their oppression (today's equivalent of false consciousness)? How, in only eight semesters, might they use the classroom, curriculum and university in loco parentis to create a radical leadership among what they see as the victim groups of our society, and to make the heirs of successful families uneasy in the moral right of their possessions and opportunities? Given those constraints, why in the world should they complicate their awesome task by hiring anyone who disagrees with them?

...

The power of universities comes from their monopoly of credentials. As Richard Vedder so deeply understands in his "Going Broke by Degree," they are the only institutions allowed to separate young individuals by IQ and by the ability to complete complex tasks. They do not add value to that, except in technical fields. Recruiters do not pay premiums because of what the Ivy League or the flagship state universities teach in English, history, political science, or sociology. They hire there despite, not because of, that. Recruiters do not pay premiums because our children have been sent to multicultural centers for sensitivity training. Recruiters pay premiums for the value already there, which universities merely identify. So long as recruiters pay premiums, however, it is rational for parents who wish to gain the most options for their children to send them to the university with the most prestigious degree. That will not change in the current scheme.

We now have closed-shop, massively subsidized, intolerant political fiefdoms, and they are the gatekeepers of society's rewards. Without incentives for different models of higher education, we shall have this same system of colleges and universities as far as the mind can foresee. The tax-free mega-endowments will grow. The legislators and the public will not end the subsidy. The alumni will continue their bequests. The trustees will proudly attend the administrative dog-and-pony shows, the most efficient act on any campus. Well-intentioned donors will support ghettoized "centers" (without faculty lines, cross-listed courses, graduate fellowships, or degrees) that marginalize inquiries that should be central to the academy. These provide protective coloration for administrators, help with fund raising in certain quarters, and permit a transfer of funds to the accelerating thirst for ever new forms of regnant campus orthodoxies. Until civil society makes administrators pay a price for the politicized hiring, curriculum and student life offices they administer, nothing truly will be reformed.

In my fantasies, I try to imagine a way to force these academic enterprises to engage in the truth in advertising they claim to value. Let colleges and universities have the courage, if they truly believe what they say privately to themselves and to me, to put it on page one of their catalogues, fundraising letters and appeals to the state assembly: "This University believes that your sons and daughters are the racist, sexist, homophobic, Eurocentric progeny or victims of an oppressive society from which most of them receive unjust privilege. In return for tuition and massive taxpayer subsidy, we shall assign rights on a compensatory basis and undertake by coercion their moral and political enlightenment." It won't happen.

One still can protect a few individuals and keep a hint of pluralism alive by means of honest exposure, shame and ridicule, but this is work—vital and moral, and an end in itself—that affects only the margins. The sad bottom line is that there are no incentives for administrators to offer a different product, such as a niche of high-quality education, equal treatment, liberty and merit. Parents invest understandably in the value of degrees, not in the quality of curriculum and faculty.

A model of higher education that offered a prestigious degree, high admissions standards, a superb and rigorous education, a faculty that was truly and usefully intellectually pluralistic, and a climate of individual rights and responsibilities (joined with rights of voluntary association) would, I believe, sweep the field. No one can afford to build a great university to offer that model, however. For obvious structural and institutional reasons, no one is going to "seize" a major university for such an experiment, though the vision of what could be accomplished by one great alternate model is mesmerizing. Until then, we only can work to protect the innocent, expose what the media are willing to expose, and await a generational shift in administrators and the professoriate. Such a shift, alas, not only is not on the horizon, but also recedes ever further from view given the bigotry against intellectual difference and pluralism, the incentives for conformity, the disincentives for courage and independence of mind, and the willingness, indeed eagerness, of society to subsidize those who have contempt for the very culture and values that make both that subsidy and that tolerance of derision and condescension possible.

The academic world that I entered is gone. I teach for my students, whom I love, and I fight for intellectual pluralism, for legal equality and for fairness simply because it is my duty to bear witness to the values I cherish, with no expectation of success.

What makes you value something

Whenever I go to a book store, or come across an interesting book, my natural reaction would be to go home and read the review (easily found thanks to Googling). I use this exercise as a filter as to whether a book is worth reading or not. Of course, this is not always fool-proof because the merits of a book is contingent upon (among other things) whether you would like to attain further information about a particular topic or would like to be exposed to whatever it is the book is presenting. Having said that, if the reviewer is someone who is considered an expert (a credible one) in the area, then I would be more willing to listen to his/her point of view. This is out of respect of the hard work he/she has done in attaining that expert status.

I hate writing reviews in general. Any kind of review I write is more likely to be my after-thoughts about a particular topic. I dont mind recommending certain books if I know that the book is suitable for the purposes of the potential reader.

By my bedside, there are three books waiting for me to read them.

Two of them have been recommended to me. Another I picked up at a book sale that cost me $5 (believe it or not) and I have learned so much from it I find that it is worth every cent.

And confession time - I did not read the review prior to purchasing this book. And if the price tag is any indication as to the quality of a book, then I guess I must have scored quite a bargain. This is perhaps the cheapest book I have ever bought to date, and the one with one of the most relevant content I have ever read.

My point? Sometimes price is not a good indication of quality. Whether you value something or not is contingent whether that thing is suitable/useful for you.

Seriously overrated

When boy drove me home this afternoon, we were talking about the things that I wanted to write and have decided not to write. I know, its like I am editing my own topics these days - and perhaps it is necessary to exercise control over that you write and dont write. Just like in life we may be capable of doing a lot of things that we choose not to do. Its called exercising choice, and being responsible for one's actions or lack thereof. Or maybe Im just not in the mood to be controversial these days. Although having said that, the things that are considered controversial in my life is seriously overrated.

Download, plagiarise and grow wise

This is sad but true. Taken off the SMH website.

Chris Henning
July 25, 2008

Scene: A student tavern. Once upon a time this was a snug bar where young men and women would discuss the latest intellectual fashion, avoid work, get drunk and chat each other up. Thank heavens these have all now been sold to developers and turned into blocks of small flats.

Tania: Hey, Judd, want a drink? My shout.

Today's student tavern is more practical and efficient. Built cheaply, of reinforced concrete and lit by fluorescent tubes, it offers modest comfort: laminex-topped tables and orange stackable chairs. The plain concrete floor is stained but otherwise hygienic. High on one grey wall there is a narrow window, offering a view of a street light. Enter a group of students.

Judd (Looks at watch): I suppose I've got time. Beetroot and pineapple please. With wheatgrass.
Tania: Cool. (She feeds coins into a slot machine, and presses a button.)
Machine: Whir! Click! Pfsshhh! Bong bung bing! Your beverage is ready.
Judd: Gosh I love uni. I know it sounds strange, but I feel I really understand this place.
Tania (feeds machine again): I know. I love the scholarship, the sense of tradition, tempered by a hint of youthful irreverence.
Machine: Whir! Click! Pfsshhh! Bong, bung, bing! Your beverage is ready.
Judd (sweeps Tania into his arms.): Oh, Tania.
Tania: Yes, Judd?
Judd (They both look out, starry-eyed): There is so much for us both to learn. (Other students gather round, as the orchestra strikes up. Tune: Gaudeamus Igitur.)

Students:
Let us all rejoice therefore
while we are still you-u-ung.
Let us all rejoice therefore
while we are still you-u-ung.
Make it quick, 'cause at
half past three
Our shift will start at KFC.
And if we're sacked our
lives go bung,
And if we're sacked our
lives go bung,
All coursework assi-ignments
We download and
plagiarise. (Repeat)
We've no time for
proper learning
'Cause it crowds out
money-earning
Which we must prioritise. (Repeat)
Half our class can't understand what the professor has said. (Repeat)
But they've all come from overseas
And they've all paid
big up-front fees.
So he shuts up so he'll get paid. (Repeat)
For the university
Near enough is good enough. (Repeat)
That's the message inculcated
From when we matriculated.
Keep your head down and grind out more guff. (Repeat)): "Let us all rejoice therefore."
(Tania and Judd remain, other students march out singing
Who do they think
they're ki-idding?
"Let us all rejoice therefore."
Who do they think
they're ki-idding?
Baby boomers, pull your
heads in.
This no longer is education.
It's more like force-feeding.
It's more like force-feeding.

Judd: (Still starry-eyed): Yes, there's so much to learn.
Tania: We just have to get through university. Then we can start learning it. (Curtain)

[Not] Growing up

Every so now and then, I think about not growing up. For some reason, I prefer to just be little kids. When you are a little kid, you have no worry - oh well, at least if you have parents who are concerned about your well being, you would have no worry whatsoever (or at least very little). I am fortunate in that I have a father who has been sheltering me for most of my life. It is a different story with my mother - everything is always different when it comes to her. One of the things that she used to "worry" me with was money. Till this day, she still worries about money. Dont ask me why that is the case, perhaps she is just a worrier - or at least thats how it seems to me. I used to worry about money because she used to influence me that way.

I am not sure if that worry was/is grounded - and I suspect it is not. My family has been blessed with more than enough, and throughout my working life, I have been blessed with more than enough. Perhaps this is a reaction of how I spent my childhood worrying about adult-things, I dont worry about a lot of things these last few years. I dont want little things to bother me and I want to concentrate on big things so that I can achieve something. I personally believe that worrying is a waste of time and reduces one's ability to be vigilant, flexible and efficient. Sure it is difficult to divorce our emotions from our day-to-day reactions, yet it is crucially imperative that we do so, otherwise our lives may end up being a snowball of unnecessarily dramatic occurrences.

As I grow up, I have one particular wish that has not been fulfilled: that my parents are more supportive. When I say supportive, I am referring to support at an emotional level. At times I find it difficult talking to them about certain topics. In fact, these days I find it difficult talking to my mother - because she just doesnt listen. I know this because I have had conversations with people who listen to me intently. I pointed this out to her the other day and predictably, she did not listen. And then I realised that I was fighting for a lost cause - and resorted to being silent. Silence, as they say, is golden. Now I can almost understand why that is.

Growing up opens your eyes to the things you would otherwise not notice let alone understand. It is good if somehow this makes you a better person, yet again, I was told that not everyone can be as strong and resilient - which is why I think some just refuse to grow up and face the world. So they run away from everything and they hide everywhere they can. If they cant find a good hiding place, they will create one. And who can blame them - growing up is painful as it shapes one's character and attitude, whose pain is amplified in magnitude by this thing called our emotions.

At times, I think in general parents dont realise the extent of influence they have on their children. Subconsciously, the children pick up on the vibes that their parents are giving out. Subsequently, I think parents should be more aware of the things that they do and not do so as to be able to ensure that their children know how to live life properly. Lessons about courage, bravery, morality and attitude, to name a few, is something that must be instilled from a very early age, and encouraged and nurtured. This is to enable the child to stand up for his/herself even when the world is against him/her - and you are not there to assist him/her. Or even if you are there, there is nothing you can do about it because this is not your battle to fight. It is your child's.

I cant help wanting not to grow up. Some would say that this is a result of an unhappy childhood - and I beg to differ. Because I think I am growing up as I am growing older. It is not so much that I am not growing up, rather it is about me not wanting to grow up. Yet despite the lack of will, I still grow up anyway because there is no other way to live life. And the child inside me is still there, not wanting to grow up.