away from materialism

i wonder how difficult it is to steer away from materialism.

as the weather is getting steadily colder with each passing day in sydney, i am digging for my jackets. from the suitcases of clothes that are currently in my possession. either i am disorganised or i just have too much clothes or i just forget where i put the jackets that i am currently searching for (or more like all of the above), i just have not been able to find the ones that i want to wear.

i end up finding old jackets and sweaters that i dont even know still in my possession, i thought i donated them ages ago. nonetheless, i am putting them into a pile to donate. its about time - and it should have been done a long time ago. think about all of those people who can wear them and be spared from the cold.

...

if i think about how much shopping i have done during my life - oh well, in the past few years at least - i am feeling kinda sick. i guess it is true - i do shop too much. this is as close to a confession of a shopaholic that i would ever get: hi my name is belle and im a shopaholic.

im on this bet with myself that im not going to buy anything until the end of financial year sales. well that is going to be soon, or so i hope, and so im having another bet that im not going to buy anything that is not work-related. heh. and if i can get it free (read: hand-me-downs) then sure, i will go for it. provided they fit though.

i nearly lost that bet when i nearly bought a shirt the other day. i came home to find a stack of shirts in one of the suitcases. oh well.

value

my latest annoyance is eating in places where the decor is hip, the prices are crazy and the food is mediocre at best.

sure i know that they exist to make money, yet care to deliver some value. if your food is delicious then sure you can charge the premium as much as you want. but if your food is mediocre and you are charging that ridiculous premium on location and ambience - that is just rip off to me.

and it really does not help to have a waitress who keeps interrupting on your conversation. seriously, if you are a waitress/waiter and you are reading this - customers like me do not want this. we want to have a conversation with our friends and we do not want any interuption. if we need your service we would call you - and it would be great if you can show up then. if you want to appear busy, how about cleaning the table. seriously.

i would love to go to a restaurant where decor is non-existent (but clean) and the food is a killer. if the price is cheap then that would be this thing i call value. and then, i may consider tipping you ^_^

yearning for cooking

it is so cold today. it was freezing this morning. its like winter is already here.

i have the yearning for cooking and i have no idea why. i mean ever since i ve been living with my sista and her hubby, the rate of me cooking is virtually non-existent. i will not say that i like cooking - please, if that were the case then i would have been cooking everyday. but i have the yearning for it. maybe i m becoming more domesticated. or maybe this is a sign of getting older. maybe this is a sign of wanting to settle down. haha.

so i was just thinking how nice it would be at this point in time if i were to sit down with a bowl of warm soup. hmmm. just thinking about it makes me smile. yes, it is such a far cry from the bowl of wedges i had for lunch. with enough grease that im sure would be responsible for getting me a heart attack one of these days.

suddenly, getting an apartment and start living a life here is not so bad afterall. yet again, it is only recently that i start thinking about it. this morning i caught a glimpe of this girl's property investor magazine and all of this thing about getting your money to work harder for you. and i guess that is the thing - you start early, tied down to a mortgage and a lifetime active management of your portfolio. at least in the early stages, you may not be able to afford a holiday. if you are really brilliant, you get to do all of them. that is if you are really brilliant.

its so cold and my fingers are frozen and im seriously yawning and wishing that i can just sleep. get back to bed, close my eyes and forget about the world. but i have work to do and so that would have to wait till tonite.

words

“It shows how much impact words have. Someone sent me an e-mail and said, ‘Your words become your action, action becomes your behavior, your behavior becomes your character, character becomes destiny.’ I hope that this brings greater understanding among people to show that words have meaning and can affect where you go in life.”

From here

a delicate perspective

so i was thinking last night - i am ok. really.

i am not dying, i am not with a chronic disease. i can still think. i can still act. i am not hungry, thirsty, cold or without shelter. i can still go shopping ^-^ and my life is basically in abundance. i have enough things to keep me entertained. i have people who love me and whom i love.

i find some people annoying but not exactly debilitating. and i learn not to take things personally. at times it just so happens that we dont click with someone, just like not everyone who meets us will like us. and that does not necessarily mean we should change ourselves. afterall, we all want to be true to ourselves. [whether we are true or not is totally a different ball game altogether.]

yet in life it is so easy for us to just complain complain and complain because we want the things that we dont have at the moment. such that we forget to be thankful of the things that we already have. at times it is useful to take a step back and be grateful of the things that are right. and never ever take it for granted.

what culture

i added my favourite niece on fb. a few cousins have managed to track me down and added me too. it is becoming a whole lot of family affair. quite understandably, my fave niece is freaking out since she is seeing her aunties and uncles on fb. the thing about the younger generation is that they tend to forget that errr... we are not that much older from them. its funny because her mum is much older than me. heh. so yeah, in terms of age we are not that much older. but we were told to address each other with the words "aunty" and "uncles" and whatever else it may be. i blame the chinese culture. that is why i keep saying im not cultured. seriously - what culture.

i love my parents and i respect them - and i think that is not necessarily dependent on culture. whether one follows whatever their parents say or not - that is not necessarily dependent on culture either. although it is often stereotyped that someone from an "eastern" culture is more likely to listen to one's parents, follow whatever they say and have a much more pronounced sense of family obligation rather than someone from a "western" culture. i personally think these things are dependent on the individual him/herself. so yeah. there goes.

im not cultured really - i do things because i want to, not because im bound by some cultural stuff. banana or egg or whatever else you may think im - it really doesnt matter. if i dont choose to do it then really i wont do it in the first place.

girlfriends

so she is leaving. and im (kind of) sad. i guess its just a natural cycle in life where people move on. do different things. live in different cities. in this case, living close to family. typical.

or maybe not quite so. in a way it is, and in a way it is not. nonetheless, the decision is applaud-able. it is something that she wants to do, for whatever reason that is. i cant help smiling at this thought, because i see time and time again that beauty is within. in her case, it is both inside and outside.

suddenly, time is becoming more precious. every single moment, every single time with her is assuming a greater intensity. sadly, i think i was just beginning to know her. no, thats not true. i know her and her resilience - and that is especially inspiring.

i have the most wonderful girlfriends in this world. my dear girl, good luck in all that you do. and we will see each other soon. very soon.

Moving on

it really is time to move on.

i know i can be pretty indecisive at times. changing my mind every five seconds. changing destinations every five seconds. even my parents cant keep up with me. even i cant keep up with me.

side effect is that I dont take myself seriously. well on occasions like this anyway. there are times where one has to be serious.

this is not a bad thing per se, it is just that at this point in time, it is very annoying. despite the fact that it is normal for anyone to feel at lost upon the completion of a life-phase, usually related to a completion of a major goal in life, it still does not excuse the actual reality. meaning, sure fine - we understand you are confused, but really, would you snap out of it so that you can move on with your life?

deep down i know that it is time to move on. take the plunge and take it as it comes.

change is good. it sustains us. maybe because stagnant conditions kill us. it certainly is killing me.

[dis]connection

my aunty is on facebook. i swear its gonna be just a matter of time before my parents are on facebook. its not like its such a bad thing, in fact, it makes it easier for her (my aunty) to keep track of my activities. to know whats happening in my life. and for everyone else for that matter. not that i put a lot of things on facebook. mostly photos. but it does make getting in touch easier. for that im grateful.

im itching to clean my friends list though. and i kind of hate hate hate how facebook allows strangers to look at one's friend. pffttt. im talking about when you search for someone - you can view their friends. oh well. dont know whats the point of that. its like broadcasting ur friendship to the world. and mine you, some people on facebook i dont even keep in touch that regularly. hahaHA.

i wonder how seriously do people take facebook. and everything that goes in it. given the list of people connected to me, i have been seriously filtering what goes in it and what doesnt. its difficult to be radical when you may be fired just because of that - and mind you, it may not even have anything with your job. it is understandable of course, especially if you are in a profession where whatever you say is equivalent to what your employer say. im talking about public figures. people who are in the 'spotlight' and it is not just about celebrities.

for the rest of the population - really - how serious do we take facebook. if not for things that most people would do ... when they have nothing to do and often on impulse. like the broadcasting of 'hungry' and 'going shopping'. thanks iphone. thanks blackberry. n im fighting hard not to roll my eyes.

same goes with twitter. seriously. i dont want to have people all over the world tracking my whereabouts. close friends and family are previlledged to know that. everyone else can ask me about it - if they want to know.

its funny isnt it. these things make us feel like celebrities in our own right. in our own little world. and perhaps the larger world.

forgive me if i laugh when i read stories where facebook helps prevent suicides. in no way im ridiculing the whole thing - BUT the ones preventing the suicides are human beings who want to engage with other people. apparently, this willingness to engage is just rare these days. a side effect of rapid population growth. we just cant know what everybody is doing anymore. we still want to know though. hehe.

effortless glamor

i think the whole world is addicted to glamor. the whole part of the reason that hollywood is so successful is that it creates the illusion of glamor. in fact at times i think anything that creates the illusion of glamor has a tendency to be attractive. i think as a human being i am still unable to escape the superficiality. guilty as charged. heh. any day i would prefer someone who dresses well, who looks good. but really, if i think about it again, the ones who are most attractive are the ones who are genuinely comfortable with themselves and looks good while doing so. i guess i am pretty visual that way.

not only that person has to look good, s/he has to do it effortlessly. why. because everything in this life is hard work. investment in time. money. heart. to name a few. and no doubt, being comfortable with oneself takes a lot of effort too. the most sophisticated would hide this effort. its like - how the f*ck did you do it. answer: just by doing it :)

and that is why whinging and complaining is so un-cool. and should therefore be reserved to one self. hehe.

Dreams

Dont lose your dreams... you'll lose yourself if you do

Dont worry about what others thought, just be happy that you can turn your dreams into reality

in times like this its better to be single

boy stinked up the bathroom. bah!

Attempt-01

They say acknowledgment is the first step to solving the issue. Well, I have acknowledged it alright. Including my inability to pin-point what the issue is exactly. I do hope that I have done so now, yet I could be wrong.

Assuming that I am not wrong, I have come up with a proposed solution that I think is worth trying. No, this is not the end of the whole issue, this is only the beginning. This "solution" is just the starting solution, the first necessary step. This thing is probably a long-life management kind of thing, so yeah, lets just equip ourselves with something that can assist us to deal with this. When I say we and us, I really mean I and me.

In any case, it is worth trying. And worth taking the risk. Or so we hope. Or so I hope.

Lets have a cooling-down period. And yeah, I need a sign. Soon. Please.

Sunday

Jo came by with KFC. Super sinful. Lettuce and grapes to complement them. They are all in the fridge. She is allergic to wine! There goes the plan to drink with her >_<

Watched Elegy (meaning: a mournful poem; a lament for the dead). It was depressing. Too little sex scenes. Vomited from overdose of KFC. Uh oh. Millionarie for dinner. Jo likes Korean.

Missing boy.

Rollercoaster

Saturday 11 April 2009

Spent the night up with boy. Woke up in the morning for a road trip with old friends. We have known each other for 8 years now. Gee, we are old.

Spent the day enjoying good food and good wine. With good friends. What more can one want out of life?

For a boy who is helplessly and endlessly in love with her.

it remains

even when it is familiar, it remains uncomfortable.
just like everything else in life, this too will pass.
i hope i can go through this unharmed.

i love you and i want you to do all that you want to do.
in doing so you hurt me and i cannot stand to be hurt much longer.
i guess we have to ...

new books

ah, i love books.
and i love them discounted.
viva la recession. tee hee.

These days

... everyone is asking me to hang out at the art gallery and the museums. I am not a big fan of Star Wars so I am going to give the Powerhouse a pass. Besides I am already dating a geek-try-hard. hehe.

Then I thought - just a thought, that maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. Hm. A pretty good idea. Why not :D

A list

So I was looking at this.

And then, I cant help smiling. I need to make a list like that. hehe.

ps. overly-defensive is a sign of insecurity.

Viva la Mondays

Tired and flat out. Looking forward to the long weekend. And not rushing through things.

I cannot stop wondering.

A few days on - and I am still largely annoyed with the whole sh*t. Heh.

Time to move on.

Good news - daylight savings is finally here. Setelah ngeliatin computer clock selama seminggu dan terus kaget2 karena jamnya salah. Puas juga gue boboks :p

Two questions.

Given the chance: would you live your live the way you have always wanted to live it OR would you just resume your life as per normal.

On that note, what is normal anyway.

I cannot stop wondering.

What a whole lot of crap

I am pissed off to the core. Oh well, I was (still am?)

I cannot look at you the same way again. Well at least for two of you. Ratio is two out of four, so its fifty percent. So much for that place being the better place to work. I am beginning to realise that they are just as crappy as each other. I guess there really is no long term future in that place. In those places. So thanks for pointing it out to me :D there is always a silver lining behind the clouds.

Or in this case, the thunder, lightning and the rain.

Hm, on second thought, I know that there is no long term future for me in that place. I cant stand the inefficiency and the general I-am-always-right attitude.

I am working for a good man. An epitome of good character and good attitude. I must say that listening and following his advice tend to work most of the time. Maybe one day if my plans do eventuate, I will hire him to work for me and he can inspire my team the way he is inspiring me at the moment.

It is easy to succumb to pressure and just give up. But fighter gets. So stand up for yourself. That is what courage is all about. [In the same way should I ever find myself stuck in a situation where I see a similar unethical, immoral conducts happening, I would do whatever it takes to rectify the situation. Maybe, just maybe, that whole ethics thing is resonating deep within me.]

[used to] look up to these people

An unexpected thing happened the last 48 hours. Actually, make that 3 unexpected things. That means I am changing my plan. It does not feel right anymore.

Sometimes I dont think people realise the long-term consequences of their present actions. This is something that is really sad because I look up to these people - some of them are younger than me (I dont think age has much to do with it - it is about attitude and character). I can understand that we all make mistakes - and when we do, apologise, fix it asap and move on.

Back to square one. After being back to square one for so many times, it no longer feels as daunting as it used to. I guess that is good. After you have done it so many times, it ceases to be scary. Uda biasa gitu.

Well its friday and the boy has the weekend off. Should be good. Pacaran is heaven!

Lets get philosophical

From here.

this is part of a short speech by the greek writer Aristophanes on the subject of love. prior to this passage, he is telling his audience this myth of how humans originally had two faces, four legs, four hands, two sets of sexual organs. there were also three types of humans - male, female and hermaphrodites (an individual possessing both male and female characteristics and sexual organs). one day, the humans attempted to overthrow the gods, and when the gods saw this, they decided to punish the humans by cutting them in half and then scattering these halves across the world, thus weakening them.

so each human now had one face, two legs, two hands and one set of sexual organs; in other words, they have the human form that we now know of. if they were previously male, then their own other half would be male, and likewise with the females. but if they were previously hermaphrodites, their other half would be of the opposite sex. whichever way, because their natural form had been cut in two, each human longed painfully for its own half.

and thus Aristophanes says:

“this then is the source of our desire to love each other. love is born into every human being, it calls back the halves of our original nature together; it tries to make one out of two and heal the wound of human nature.

and so, when a person meets the half that is his very own, then something wonderful happens: the two are struck from their senses by love, by a sense of belonging to one another, and by desire, and they don’t want to be separated from one another, not even for a moment.

these are the people who finish out their lives together and still cannot say what it is they want from one another. no one would think it is the intimacy of sex - that mere sex is the reason each lover takes so great and deep a joy in being with the other. it’s obvious that the soul of every lover longs for something else; his soul cannot say what it is, but like an oracle it has a sense of what it wants, and like an oracle it hides behind a riddle. suppose two lovers are lying together, and Hephaestus stands over them with his mending tools, asking, “What is it you human beings really want from each other?”

and suppose they’re perplexed, and he asks them again: “Is this your heart’s desire then - for the two of you to become parts of the same whole, as near as can be, and ever to separate, day or night? Because if that’s your desire, I’d like to weld you together and join you into something that is naturally whole, so that the two of you are made into one. Then the two of you would share one life, as long as you lived, because you would be one being, and by the same token, when you died, you would be one and not two in Hades, having died a single death. Look at your love, and see if this what you desire: wouldn’t this be all the good fortune you could want?”

surely you can see that no one who received such an offer would turn it down; no one would find anything else that he wanted. instead, everyone would think he’d found at least what he had always wanted: to come together and melt together with the one he loves, so that one person emerged from two. why should this be so? it’s because, as i said, we used to be complete wholes in our original nature, and now ‘Love’ is the name for our pursuit of wholeness, for our desire to once again be complete.”

Extracted from The Speech of Aristophanes, in Plato’s Symposium.

this speech really resonated with me. for many reasons. it made me think about my own beliefs about ‘The One’, and how it is always so obvious to us when we find our true other halves; when there is affinity, there just is, and you just know. i’m a big believer of affinity, be it towards our partners, potential partners or friends. not all of us are lucky enough to find our The Ones though, or even someone remotely close.. but then there are some of us who do :) and i think when that happens, it is the epitome of harmony and happiness.

it also caused me to think about the question that Hephaestus (the god of craftsmanship) posed to the two humans lying together - what is it that humans really want from each other? it made me think about the reasons we fall in love, the reasons we want to stay in love, and the reasons that make us fight for our love so that we may never lose it. i came up with no answers. i guess we love because we love. i used to hate it when any of my boyfriends say that to me - “i love you because i just do”. i always thought it was such a cop-out answer, something you say when you dont really know why you love the other person. but now i see that there is little more you can add to that, that would add any real, significant, larger meaning to the fact that we love each other. i’ve been asking the wrong question all this time. what i meant to ask was, ‘what do you love about me?’ instead of, ‘why do you love me?’. so silly. i spent so much lost time feeling angry.