random

this blog first started to document a life of perpetual enjoyment. or at least the snapshots of it. overtime, it is filled with all sorts of things - rants included. apologies. i really should not rant here, or anywhere. it is so... hm... negative. and i dislike negativity.

it is that time again - the time where there are so much thoughts, so much to write, and yet nothing is translating into the page. the flow is absent - at least for now. maybe because i know that i should not be writing those things on a public domain :( maybe because i do want to write it and then laugh about how these days people are so quick to personalise everything. hehe.

this place is so fucking cold. it is so cold that i cant stop feeling cold. ok, winter is the major cause and since it is the season, there is nothing much we can do about it. the comfort of jackets and boots are starting to wear off. it is not that i dont like them - i do. im most happy with my jacket collection. i think my boots can be improved, and i have been actively searching for new pairs. heh, what can i say. im a shoe-snob.

eli the elephant

the colony is growing. it started with a tweety. then more tweeties arrived. then all tweeties got packed somewhere. then there was the teddy. the others followed suit.

last count, the dogs dominated. it is not a coincidence that we love dogs.

eli the elephant was on a 50% discount at chinatown. the plan was to go grocery shopping. then the boy decides that we should walk around, since we havent been around that area for so long. (this reminds me that i would really love to check out friday nite market - anyone game?) the store was having a 50% off store-wide. we hurried to the soft toy section. i spotted eli. it was love at first sight.

"no! hes ugly! what about a nice doggy?"

nice doggy is a baby white siberian husky. but eli stole my heart. i had to take him if i were to have my heart with me.

eli is an orange elephant with pink polka dots patches all over him. first we thought he was a she (and named her elle) - it was the pink polka dots ok. then boy started referring to eli as a boy and so he becomes eli. the hillarious part about him is his fat belly. kind of reminds me of teddy's fat belly that has now become flat thanks to me hugging him all night long, every single day.

so eli sat with me on the front seat all the way to this dinner-destination. and then we went back home where he joined the colony. as of this moment in time, he is the only orange-coloured animal, but since his orange is very much like yellow, he mixes in well with the yellow mushroom and miffy's yellow dress.

***

i have a very strong feeling that as a child, i was deprived of soft-toys. i think it is very much my (bio) mum's doing. if i were to witness kids these days and their toys collection - really, there is not much comparison at all (compared to mine that is). its like, toys giving stopped at the age of... err... 7? and i personally think it should not stop at all. maybe im just a child at heart *gRin.

so now the boy is the one person who gives and wins me toys. it is so much FUNNER when i get to pick the toys myself. *double gRin.

you know those skill-tester machines - the ones that you can win toys from. you put in some coins and then it would give you one or two goes, then you hope that the snatcher would take the toys and drop it in the box where you can collect it from. i have lost count as to how much money we spent on that machine and not win any toys at all. they are really good at sucking your money! and i bet that the machine has been programmed so that no one wins toys on the first go. plus the toys arranged to "lure" in reluctant customers. "that one looks gettable" so you try, only to discover that it is not gettable at all.

[EDIT: heh - i was right! see here.]

sunday morning. cloudy and lightly drizzling. perfect weather to go back to bed. especially when one is awake and is yet to have one's coffee ;) ah, decisions decisions decisions. and it is still early morning. i would love to have someone to roam the neighbourhood with, but the boy is not up for it :(

maybe i should take eli the elephant instead :)

the bright side of everything

i guess in life we cant have it all at once. i love my place rite now - especially when i look out the window. total awesome-ness. blue sky. the grass. the ability to look into the horizon and not being blocked by some building. the cons - the distance from public transport. and therefore, letting go of wearing heels on a daily basis :( cries.

but that also means i can get to shop for flats and walking shoes. tee hee.

i have been thinking back to all these things i did in the past 24 months or so. why i did the things i did. i admit that in some respect, i wonder why i did so - especially when it turns out that i have to take some drastic turns and detours. and whilst i was feeling absolutely shitty, i stumbled upon this blog. she makes me feel so much better.

first she is so creative in her clothes, her accessories, and her shoes. her SHOES. just looking at how she puts outfits together is enough to make me feel better. and plus, i learned that she is getting fashion-related work and freelance-designing work too. you go girl!!!

second she write well. her short paragraphs either left me nodding in agreement or laughing my ass off. if she ever thinks of becoming a comedian, im so going to her show. i read one where she was half asleep and forced herself out of bed because of some ankle boots related show on tv. go and find that post. it is FUNNY.

third she has a very shiny attitude to life. this particular quote she has:

I am often bothered by pessimistic thoughts. Not that we should be too confident, but I really think everything in life is worth a try. Though things might not work out later on, I believe that at that point of time, everything would feel different. You cannot forecast the level of happiness or sadness in the future. And you don't need to. Humans are meant to try their best and simply stay positive. God decides.

that reminds me that it is ok trying things out - even when they dont work out the way you want them to work out. it does not condemn you a failure for life :) she reminds me to be nice to myself.

so thank you, Diana, for making my day :)

happiness is momentary?

today is the day where i just want to go back to bed and just sleep. deep. long. peaceful sleep. dont mind me. the caffeine, as much i love it, is stuffing up my sleeping patterns. its like you want to sleep and you have been yawning. so you go to bed. but you are not sleeping. your eyes are closed but you dont feel like you are rested.

what.the.fuck.

the busy-ness of life is here. like right her in front of me. and all i want to do is go back to bed. heesh. funny thing this morning as i was travelling across the water. i had this funny feeling. you know, that warm, fuzzy feeling. it was like i was falling in love with life. heh. that momentary exhilliration. happiness.

so i was thinking if happiness happens in short bursts. like when you fully engage in the moment and then its like - whoa. boy. i AM happy. *gRin. and its a nice feeling even when it lasted only for a while. i meant its like, a high. u know. its almost weird. but i like it.

dont worry about the ramblings. absolutely useless. or maybe, just maybe, that momentary high is what we are continuously searching for in our lives? that one thing we regard as happiness is like ... err... a momentary high? and IF that is really the case, then how is it even possible for us to have a high that is by nature momentary/temporary into something permanent/long lasting.

you see what im saying. happiness is momentary - contentment is long lasting? can somebody like confirm this? or not?

its friday and it feels like the week has just started. more like, the start of next week has been brought forward. heesh. and in the typical human the grass is greener on the other side syndrome, i wish im just home alone with nothing to do.

the lil things in life...

spring cleaning your friendship
what a splendid idea. reminds me that i need to maintain some of my friendships.

gossips.
i hate them with a passion. just as well that i dont belong in a group since that is the perfect breeding ground for gossips. i cant stand gossips - they are so useless and most of the time not entertaining at all. but people tell me all things off the record all the time becoz they know that i dont talk about them at all. heesh.

clutter expert.
i want to be a clutter expert. and im gonna start with my wardrobe. back to being my usual wardrobe obsessed self. plus skinny obsessed self. hahaha...

life was so simple

sometimes i think i think about wayyy too much things. and thinking about them gives me a worry - and i dislike this, because i dont like being a worrier. i think about this thing called the future, which is largely a concept. and given the gfc, there is that monetary-related issue called savings. and everytime one talks about (or thinks about) savings, another thing would come to mind: spending. why. because they are dependent on each other.

it is funny that everyone seems to think that i come from a wealthy family. i admit that i have life easier than some people who have to fund themselves through education etc etc. but growing up i didnt have a lot of money on my hands. i had some pocket money - and i admit that the amount was more than the average person would get, and was more than enough to keep me entertained. but compared to the majority of my friends at the time, i only got a fraction of what they got, which is why i say i didn't have a lot of money on my hands. if i want something, i have to mentally calculate how much money i had to set aside and for how long before i could get my hands on it. so im used to saving that way. sometimes i would really love to have a pair of shoes and i have to save for them. or that overseas shopping trip. which then explains why i avoid buying anything full priced.

savings is just one part of this thing called the future that i think about. another thing i think about is job/career. not knowing what you want to do in life is one heck of an irritatingly annoying thing at the back of your mind. or maybe, it is wanting too many things all at once. i dont even know anymore. that question in interviews where they ask you where you would like to be in five years time - well, that is something i find really really REALLY difficult to answer. like honestly, i would like to have a baby boy and be a stay home mum for a while. yea rite.

i wonder how many people out there think about these things and then not knowing the answers. but life goes on so overtime they get used to now knowing and that state of not-knowing becomes normal. then they stop questioning. i wonder how many people would openly admit that they do not know what they want to do in their lives. i wonder how many of them live an empty shell existence. i wonder how many would openly admit that they are not happy. i wonder how many are aware of these facts and then put up a pretension that they are all that.

i reminisce about my younger years and wonder if i ever felt this way. in all likelihood i probably did and then i got busy so i stopped thinking too much about it. the getting busy thing is a perfect escape to everything in life that is why so many people become workaholics. plus they get all that cash and hardly anytime to spend it. so they accumulate wealth and convince themselves that if they are wealthy and busy then they are happy.

why are things always rosier then you reminisce about them. i was thinking about my phd days and now i realise that life was much simpler then. of course i did not think that life was simple in those days. then again, human beings have that ability to keep recalling the roses and not the thorns. so i guess thats to be expected. one day im going to look back to this day and think that life is so simple.

lipstick jungle

im watching lipstick jungle. the only thing i enjoy about this show is the fashionable females in the show - or more precisely, what they wear. hehe. aside from that i dont really care as to what the storyline is all about. it reminds me of watching the oc - i watched it because of marissa cooper. pity that i havent seen much mischa barton around anymore :(

after abstaining from coffee for errr... three four weeks, i have my skinny latte today. and what a high it was. abstinence is useful for boosting the high. its like... spending time apart from your loved ones means that you appreciate your time together more. its nice to be reminded of the ... delicate things in life.

i seriously need some flats that i can walk in. the ones i have are either too loose or slippery :( oh well. shopping here i come ;)

your stolen identity

someone told me that another someone accused me of copying her blog and has written an entry or two about it: that im stealing her identity! conveniently, the entries were deleted by the time i check the said-blog.

whats up with that. accused someone about shit and then delete the entries. heesh.

stand.by.your.FUCKING.opinion.

if anyone has a blog that is similar to your is stealing your identity, that goes for every single person in this planet who has similar blogs. and while we are on the subject, anybody with remotely same hair colour as you is stealing your identity. anybody with the same hair style or hair dresser is stealing your identity. or copying you. or whatever you put on it.

the world does NOT revolve around you. people do various things without intending to copy you or be you - heck, you are not even on my mind when i set up this blog. and seriously, what about this blog is a copy of your blog.

if you cant present your facts, the just shut up and for fuck's sake stop personalising everything.

its official

its official.

you
are
fucking
CRAZY.

declaring to the whole world that you love me is not going to bring me back to you - ever. i have plenty of people who love me and they do NOT do the things that you do to me. so do not tell me what love is for i know what it is not.

its like you are in a fight. in a fight with whom?

maybe i am not with you because i do not want to be with you. because i want to be with someone else who loves me like he loves himself and even more and is not afraid to show me that every single moment, every single day. and for us, loving each other means we do not talk badly behind each other's back. for us, we are a team and we do everything together and we would not do anything to make the other looks bad ever.

but you are too concerned about making yourself look better and being always right. all the while pointing out my mistakes and every single thing that i went wrong. and then you accuse me of being incapable of self reflection.

you want to talk about self reflection - go and walk in front of a mirror. there you can start performing your own self reflection.

you are a two-faced jerk. go to hell.

come what may

its saturday. i woke up to some sort of bliss, the same familiar hunger pang, the same path to the fridge in search for any left overs that i could eat. the left over meatballs from two weeks ago had my name written all over it, so i boiled some dried spags and successfully warmed up the whole house. the remedy to winter to fight it with cooking. use the stove and the oven. cook caserolles and anything that requires long slow cooking. awesome-ness to the core.

that was the very meatball bolognaise sauce that was loaded with wine so much so that all we could taste was the alcohol. yes it was that bad. and that is largely thanks to rusty if not non-existent cooking skills of yours truly. after a banger and mash with onion sauce later, everything was redeemed. even the boy mentioned that it was his first time eating everything home-cooked from start to finish in a while now. awww. the boy knows how to hit the soft spot.

saturday oh saturday. how i love thee saturday. currently chatting with a sweet heart in LA talking about the weird things people do. like what they would do to have a husband/wife. i wouldnt even want to call it significant other for i bet they dont know each other for that long before they were married. yet again, its a pretty common phenomenon so i guess i better just accept it for what it is. no, it is not that it is weird like that - it is weird becoz someone i know engaged in that sort of shit behaviour. having actively been pursuing so many girls in the past, and utilising all possible ways to do so, only to, uhm well, resort to the more "traditional" proven way of doing so.

[if you so happen to be reading this, then oops, i guess too bad. but dont you worry - the possibility of your wife reading this entry is oh-so-minutely-small that is almost non-existent, at least virtually anyway. so breathe now bro and lets recap the story that there was.]

the first time you took me out was due to some hidden, ulterior motive: you wanted to date the roomie. the roomie who never answered your call. never returned your calls/messages. in short, the roomie who was not interested in you, or at least, not interested in wasting her call credits on you. after you got the "if you want the girl then YOU gotta work on it" from me, you got very pissed off. heh, who wouldnt be rite? and in my usual trademark of cuek to the core, i just completely ignore the whole shit incident.

endless msn chats later, we were onto our second dinner. [note: these didnt and would not qualify as dates EVER, please, i even paid for my own meals.] then you miraculously got this stomach problem in the middle of your meal and had to drive me home straight away - picking the long route, hello? then you poured out all your relationship histories about the girls who left you while promising you the world. and then somehow, i got dragged into the whole thing - you are going to leave to oz and forget about me. woo hooo. time out. like, we were in a relationship? since when? was i on glue or did we not date ever?

i got home and was just happy to be home. the family was entertained by the whole ordeal. a few weeks later i gotta fly back and i sent the polite thank you for your companion whilst im here. im flying home in a few hours. never mind all of your stinking apologies about what happened while refusing to acknowledge the fact that you were being such a jerk.

nevertheless, i got home and the msn decency lasted for a while. until one day i told you of some issue ive got in relation of a man who thought that i was in a relationship with him and kept on emailing, smsing and doing the whole chacha. to which your reply was: tell him you've got a boyfriend who lives in chinohills. oops.

[i can understand if you live in hollywood or OC ... not that im someone who would judge others based on the demographics of their residence. but puh-leasseee. i live in one of the good suburbs in sydney and i dont even brag about it. its a previlledge and it makes me happy - and that is all there is to it :)]

earlier in the year, you got back home to find a bride, and found a bride and got married recently. this is the "traditional" method that i was referring above. you are not the only one who engages in this kind of behaviour, so i guess its pretty common.

what is it about men once they hit 30s, its like they have this urgency to settle down. ok, so some girls have it as soon as they turn 20, and some, like yours truly, do not even want to settle down when they were 25. its NOT like settling down is a bad thing, it is not, in fact, done with the right person, it is actually a good thing. finding the right person is of course a different story altogether. it requires investment in time and effort and of course, money. afterall how would you know how compatible you are if you dont spend time together?

as it turns out, once they talk themselves into this whole thing of time is running out, the sense of urgency kicks in and hoola, i have to have a potential wife. then the dating frenzy begins. plus the bold-ness of asking every attractive looking girl for her number. hehe. then the calling frenzy ensues. the desperation that gets even worse with every rejection encountered. plus a crazy stint of justifying why you should not go into a relationship with someone who could be a potential.

man man man. don't you know that girls in general can sense your desperation - the way you claim to be able to sense the girls' desperation. like you would know which girls are the ones who slept around and which girls are not. like you would know that this girl is a wife material because of who she really is and not because of her potential bank account balance (or the fact that her family is pretty prominent in town). but it just doesnt occur to you, to just breathe and take it easy. and that if you really want something THAT badly, then you would focus your efforts on getting it, and chance is that, you would get it anyway.

i guess im dreaming. these days, that kind of quiet confidence and composed humility is just too rare to mention. at every opportunity people would brag about anything that they can brag about - the size of their family's bank account, the designer labels that they wear and sport in their wardrobe, the educational degree they have attained as evident in the letters following their name - amongst many things. even worse are those who brag about their family connections and where they live and the car that they drive. seriously. brag about anything under the sun.

i cannot and will not stand such kind of behaviour. and in fact, people who are like that do not score very highly in my books. which means given the option, i probably would not want to return your calls/emails/sms. but then i would - because im nice like that.

have a good weekend.

blame it on the sickness

i keep telling myself that im on my way to recovery. thats like the only thing you can do when you are still sick, but sorta well enough to do light stuff. then you try to concentrate on doing the things that really matter and you get light-headed so you gotta stop. heesh.

on the upside i should be able to resume normal life like next week. hehe. which is good because im so looking forward to just be able to do stuff again. might as well make the most of what ive got rite ;)

its raining again!!! the beauty of being in this place is that you can see the rain without caring the slightest bit - provided that of course you dont need to be anywhere outside the home. hehe. otherwise, nothing a huge umbrella cant fix.

this is one heck of a rollercoaster of emotion. one day i can be excited about the almost-nothingness. the next day, i can be severely depressed about the same thing. i blame this to the sickness. oh well.

headache

the throbbing headache is persistent, much to my dismay. the insecurities are lurking in once again. i hate hate HATE this feeling and admitting it does not make it any better. yet honesty, as some say, is the best policy. thus one would strive to be honest with oneself so that one knows that one has given it one's best.

what do you say to a friend who has confessed her soul to you telling you all of her deepest secrets, only to realise that she is feeling some of the things that you are feeling. what do you say when you realise that you have no answer for her. what words of encouragement can you offer to those who are tired of trying.

enough of this stint of trying out what your heart's desire because if you look deep enough that is not what your heart's desire. hah. surprise surprise. whose desire is it you have been working towards for so long. and if you think once more, does it matter to those whom you know love you to death. you hate the answers to these questions because you know that you have not been staying true to yourself. and really, you do not know what is it that you would hate more. yourself or your choices or both.

and then i thought of that radical change and what i want out of that change. and suddenly i dont mind being the odd one out again. afterall, why do you want to be like anyone else?

screw you and your perfect world, miss know it all with stinking attitude. at the rate you are alienating all the people around you, i wont be surprised if you are slowly killed by your loneliness. between us, its personal, of course. it always is. although i must say, it is flattering to have you being threatened by this humble servant.

two thoughts

its official! being sick is fucking boring.

my fever is gone! yeay! so lets just get rid of the rest of the crap and then im good. its day 5 of being sick. my fever was not there on day 2, then i went out and did some errands. came home and got worse! so now im scared of leaving the house :(

i blame it on the weather. speaking of which, today is COLDER than yesterday. i am so NOT a winter person. unlike the boy who was born right smack in the middle of winter - he feels right at home. no complaints there. ;) opposites attract.

***

been wondering on a new career path - again. heck. why am i so fucking indecisive when it comes to this area of my life. so really, aside from the fact that my career is pretty much undecided, everything is fabulous! i blame myself. heck, i used to say that "the most interesting person i know still does not know what he wants to do at 40!" hehe. the uncertainty and the lack of direction is killing me. maybe because im not attacking the issue actively enough? nehhh... uh...

so yeah, lets see. lets just see. and i hope that serendipity takes its course - like it always has.

faith

for the record, i think Michael Jackson is innocent. and to whoever is accusing him - i hope you are happy that you have destroyed one of the best artists that ever was. i cant believe the extent people would go just to get his money - the money that belongs to him and not to anyone else. why do people want other people's money anyway. whatever happen to just working hard for your money.

this cold is still weighing me down. and funny that im still largely sleepy the whole day today, despite not taking any panadol. i guess that is the landmark of sick people - they just want to sleep - and that is it. im seriously sleepy that i am fighting to keep my eyes open. i touch-type so it doesnt matter that much. hehe. freaky isnt it.

just tired from being sick. and from life in general. and still need to figure out what is it that i want to do with my life. seriously, im so passion-less at this point in time :( im capable of doing whatever needs to be done. sometimes faith is the only thing that sustains you.

we've got net

eh eh. i didnt die. i am just down with the cold :(

that means my boy is frantically unpacking and cleaning and doing all these sort of stuff that we are supposed to do together while im strapped in bed battling to breathe with my nose. heessh. praying hard its not swine flu. cant be. i did not even travel anywhere. like seriously. in the days that i contracted the frikkin flu i was home home home.

unless of course some nasty virus has decided to take hostage of my body - somehow :(

so aside that i have difficulties breathing and intermittently coughing phlegm and that my ears are super painful - im ok and most importantly, still alive.

finally moved everything from pyrmont. left the keys there too sis. i hope u get to see it when ur back.

thanks for letting me stay when i needed it most. i wish everyday that things could be different between us, but im coming to terms with those differences and i hope you do too. some things we cannot agree on - not right now, not ever. i dont hate you for that - i dont hate you ever. im just tired of bashing my head into the same walls over and over again. for fuck's sake, im bleeding already. can u just buy me lots of drinks the next time we meet :)

on a brighter note - we FINALLY get internet today. delivery guys to this place - take note. you gotta walk down the stairs, damn it, since you CANNOT buzz your way in. lazy assholes. there is not even a buzz for our place. *roll eyes.

we have to make follow up calls to various people only to be told that the effin' modem is not going to be delivered till monday, unless if we want to pick it up from the warehouse somewhere in Alexandria. heesh.

enihoo. now connected. super happy.

can this cold just gooo awayyyy far far awayyyy so that i can just get on with my life!