the changeover?

ok, so i admit - i sorta forget about this blog. i have forgotten it for like err... 3 months or more. i got busy with life and then writing here became something difficult to do.

major shit happened in the past few months. but im not going to write about them because they are depressing =(

the year is coming to an end in a few days - five to be exact. a few weeks ago, i got to be on the annoying side of late twenties. yesterday, i got the best xmas present ever - well, the best considering the circumstances, courtesy of my boy. it is nice to be loved like that.

speaking about xmas, this year i got so many presents! wiiiii!!!!!

all in all, this year has been a great year. granted it is not all that fabulous where everything goes according to plan. it is great in the sense that it brings me closer to this thing i call humanity, humility, modesty. and that happiness are often found in the simplest things in life. that after a certain threshold has been passed, the marginal utility of having more money starts to level out - or even decrease; such that living is really not about having money only.

yet it is sad that some people still equate success with money - as in the more money you have, the more successful you are. im not saying that this is not true, im saying that it is very possible that you are happy even in the absence of a shitload of money; that perhaps, having a lot of money is not the only way to define success.

what makes a person your bestfriend. when that person is willing to put up with your shit. when that person has a tolerance level way higher than the average friend. which consequently mean you tend to take that person for granted. i have always said that i only have one best friend in this life. maybe i am wrong, for i have more than one. and i hate hate hate to cause inconvenience in their lives. yet they are all so accomodating that i feel like crying because im so happy. yes, i have become more mellow as i get older.

i learn so much thing in the past two years about friendship. i learn who is not my friend. i learn who is my friend. i learn who is my best friend. the latter is something i never expected, but it was a true icing on the cake. life really has its ways to make certain things more interesting for you. the things that i thought would never change actually change. and when they happen to a person whom you hold oh so dear to your heart, how do you even begin to share your thoughts.

by mending the broken communication held by sticky tape. by telling her the things that you think she does not need to know. im not sure which part is more annoying - the bit where other people decide for me what is important and what is not important, or the bit where information was deliberately witheld from me. i guess you dont know me that well. or maybe you changed. or both. im heartbroken.

people change every single day - you are no exception. im slowly coming to a realisation that you are a stranger. that makes me think that we are not putting in enough effort into this whole thing. time is off the essense - as always. and it is difficult to have someone whom you put up on the pedestal as someone who behaves so badly it kills me.

how do i start. i dont. because i cease caring. and i can feel that this wedge is getting further and further apart.

and that, my friend, is the lesson we both must learn.

irrelevant mumblings

yes. this blog has become a blog of irrelevant mumblings. so recently i have been thinking about being a sagittarian. im not into horroscopes and such but there are things that i find true in being a sagi and im actually happy about it. lets start of with adventurous. love travelling. love taking snapshots of anything (thank GOD for digital cam). although these days exploring has been refined into this thing called surfing online. i swear its the sagi in me that loves doing it. next, optimistic. ok, so admittedly i force myself to be optimistic these days and i swear that it has good outcomes. and this is made easier since im a sag. then honest. who can rival the level of honesty of the sags? now everyone looks at me if they really want an honest opinion. and they listen to me because of that. in return, i am a good listener. not sure if this is part of the sag package, but it is good nonetheless.

gotta clean the apartment. spring is here and its time for spring cleaning. big clothes can go to the pregnant sister who looks like one of those skinny celebs with big tummies. once skinny, forever skinny? love having this new little person being around soon. hehe. meanwhile the laundry is running while it is a scorching 31 degress outside. but tomorrow its gonna go back to being cold. why do we keep having these snapshots of summer during the weekends?

came across a few blogs filled with beautiful people. love them all. then there is this urge to make things. the stuff in the wardrobe that can benefit from a breath of new life. in fact, having this urge to re-arrange the wardrobe and dry clean the winter coats. thanks to the hot weather. but tomorrow its gonna be cold again and all the urges would disappear?

happy sunday.

finally - an update!

wondering about what to do this beautiful saturday afternoon.
the markets would have closed by now.
the stores would be closed soon.
the sun would set soon.
hm.
im thinking chinatown.

sunday morning

this morning is one of those mornings where i woke up too early and ends up reminiscing and reflecting upon so many things in my life. and i have to say it is nice to finally nurture this hobby over and over and over again. maybe somehow this would count towards my 10,000 hours practice.

this morning i was wondering about this thing called - what would i have done differently. and for once, the answer is many. i have always prided in being one of those individuals who regrets nothing as i think i have been giving my best in every situation. but this morning, i let my imagination run wild. the things that i would have done had those constraints not been there. it was a very liberating journey. to take comfort in the imagination. maybe right-brain exercises create more endorphins. i dont know.

i do know that it surely feels good. to dream. to have a dream and to live in pursue of your dreams. not someone else's dream that you have somehow managed to convince yourself as yours. maybe im too idealistic in this respect. but truth be told. i have not been wanting anything for quite sometime. yes, i have wondered if im depressed (im not). all these stereotypes and societal pressures dont get to me because i dont let them to. it is easy to slip to the other side. it is just nicer to stay on this side.

ah, the rollercoaster ride of life. i admit that i dont always make the best judgment and choices and there are times that my brain just fails me. maybe because im just too ... err... weird like that. i dont know. i let my heart do the thinking occassionally and it has been alright so far. together they make a great team. maybe this is what they mean by passion. plus this thing called serendipity - really, wow. wow. wow. wow. can you ask for anything better?

by having the abilities to take what may come. by being ready for the things that you dont see in the horizon but may appear ever so suddenly that you dont have the time to breathe. you jump in for the ride anyway and have the best time of your life, all without having a prior insight into what it is all about. it is a very humbling experience. most people who have been on the ride often recall not having imagine something like so. but i bet they do; they just dont want to admit it to the world publicly. thats ok. there are things we do in private that we would never do publicly. like one of the best pleasures in this planet - orgasms. unless you are a porn star, i doubt that you want to do so publicly.

it is whats inside that counts. and whatever is outside is mostly for appearances. they still count though. tell me what doesnt count these days.

random thoughts

im sitting here in my living room browsing the net for no reason. tv sucks tonight ever since desperate housewives and brother and sisters are no longer on air. i could have watched some dvds, but i havent dragged my lazy ass to the dvd store. i think there are some movies on my boy's hard drive, but i really dont know where it is. so here i go. sitting here. blogging.

recently, i have been a participant of online shopping. eh, i know i was in a shopping ban, but life is so not fun when im depriving myself off shopping. and besides, given that now i have space to store these things, it is fun to grow the collection again, given that it has not been growing for a few months now. the stuff i bought online has not arrived yet - and im getting impatient! but it is nice to have something to look forward to :D

just like i cant wait for november to come so that i can shop and travel. tee hee!

in the past coupls of years i have been living out of someone else's living room. now i can appreciate having my own space in which i can do anything i want. plus i can eat whatever i want and not have to conform to someone else's tastes. yes there are upsides, like no cooking but there is food. lately i have been cooking again and it has been good so far. in fact, it is getting more fun as time goes by. maybe it can be a hobby that i can master. hehe. unlikely it seems at this point in time. given that i cook with no recipe - and i cannot repeat the same dish twice. hey, the only way to cook is to cook without a recipe :)

heh, what an ironic for a typical planner who loves to plan every little thing. spontaneity can be useful i guess. so only plan when necessary!

another lazy sunday

i love this guy! absolute genius. his black and white is literally to die for.

happy sunday!

the pendullum swings

these days, my mood swings between two extremes.

when im in my sane mode, im happy with my life. and i say fuck off to those who are asking me to plan my life, my future, bla bla bla. because we will never know what is going to happen. so really, whats the use of stressing about these things. take it as it comes. enjoy life. live a little. whats the whole point of continuously achieving.

when im in my down mode (like right now), im frustrated with my life. because i think there has got to be more to life than what it is right now. this is precisely the feeling i felt when i was completing that thick book that earned me the two prestigious letters in front of my name. like there is something out there waiting to be devoured. passionately. endlessly. continuously.

i get frustrated because i dont know what it is. fuck you passion.

why dont i like anything - anything at all. or maybe i do/did/used to, and then something happened and i dont really like them anymore? heesshhhhh. bosenan banget. ga jelas banget.

random

this blog first started to document a life of perpetual enjoyment. or at least the snapshots of it. overtime, it is filled with all sorts of things - rants included. apologies. i really should not rant here, or anywhere. it is so... hm... negative. and i dislike negativity.

it is that time again - the time where there are so much thoughts, so much to write, and yet nothing is translating into the page. the flow is absent - at least for now. maybe because i know that i should not be writing those things on a public domain :( maybe because i do want to write it and then laugh about how these days people are so quick to personalise everything. hehe.

this place is so fucking cold. it is so cold that i cant stop feeling cold. ok, winter is the major cause and since it is the season, there is nothing much we can do about it. the comfort of jackets and boots are starting to wear off. it is not that i dont like them - i do. im most happy with my jacket collection. i think my boots can be improved, and i have been actively searching for new pairs. heh, what can i say. im a shoe-snob.

eli the elephant

the colony is growing. it started with a tweety. then more tweeties arrived. then all tweeties got packed somewhere. then there was the teddy. the others followed suit.

last count, the dogs dominated. it is not a coincidence that we love dogs.

eli the elephant was on a 50% discount at chinatown. the plan was to go grocery shopping. then the boy decides that we should walk around, since we havent been around that area for so long. (this reminds me that i would really love to check out friday nite market - anyone game?) the store was having a 50% off store-wide. we hurried to the soft toy section. i spotted eli. it was love at first sight.

"no! hes ugly! what about a nice doggy?"

nice doggy is a baby white siberian husky. but eli stole my heart. i had to take him if i were to have my heart with me.

eli is an orange elephant with pink polka dots patches all over him. first we thought he was a she (and named her elle) - it was the pink polka dots ok. then boy started referring to eli as a boy and so he becomes eli. the hillarious part about him is his fat belly. kind of reminds me of teddy's fat belly that has now become flat thanks to me hugging him all night long, every single day.

so eli sat with me on the front seat all the way to this dinner-destination. and then we went back home where he joined the colony. as of this moment in time, he is the only orange-coloured animal, but since his orange is very much like yellow, he mixes in well with the yellow mushroom and miffy's yellow dress.

***

i have a very strong feeling that as a child, i was deprived of soft-toys. i think it is very much my (bio) mum's doing. if i were to witness kids these days and their toys collection - really, there is not much comparison at all (compared to mine that is). its like, toys giving stopped at the age of... err... 7? and i personally think it should not stop at all. maybe im just a child at heart *gRin.

so now the boy is the one person who gives and wins me toys. it is so much FUNNER when i get to pick the toys myself. *double gRin.

you know those skill-tester machines - the ones that you can win toys from. you put in some coins and then it would give you one or two goes, then you hope that the snatcher would take the toys and drop it in the box where you can collect it from. i have lost count as to how much money we spent on that machine and not win any toys at all. they are really good at sucking your money! and i bet that the machine has been programmed so that no one wins toys on the first go. plus the toys arranged to "lure" in reluctant customers. "that one looks gettable" so you try, only to discover that it is not gettable at all.

[EDIT: heh - i was right! see here.]

sunday morning. cloudy and lightly drizzling. perfect weather to go back to bed. especially when one is awake and is yet to have one's coffee ;) ah, decisions decisions decisions. and it is still early morning. i would love to have someone to roam the neighbourhood with, but the boy is not up for it :(

maybe i should take eli the elephant instead :)

the bright side of everything

i guess in life we cant have it all at once. i love my place rite now - especially when i look out the window. total awesome-ness. blue sky. the grass. the ability to look into the horizon and not being blocked by some building. the cons - the distance from public transport. and therefore, letting go of wearing heels on a daily basis :( cries.

but that also means i can get to shop for flats and walking shoes. tee hee.

i have been thinking back to all these things i did in the past 24 months or so. why i did the things i did. i admit that in some respect, i wonder why i did so - especially when it turns out that i have to take some drastic turns and detours. and whilst i was feeling absolutely shitty, i stumbled upon this blog. she makes me feel so much better.

first she is so creative in her clothes, her accessories, and her shoes. her SHOES. just looking at how she puts outfits together is enough to make me feel better. and plus, i learned that she is getting fashion-related work and freelance-designing work too. you go girl!!!

second she write well. her short paragraphs either left me nodding in agreement or laughing my ass off. if she ever thinks of becoming a comedian, im so going to her show. i read one where she was half asleep and forced herself out of bed because of some ankle boots related show on tv. go and find that post. it is FUNNY.

third she has a very shiny attitude to life. this particular quote she has:

I am often bothered by pessimistic thoughts. Not that we should be too confident, but I really think everything in life is worth a try. Though things might not work out later on, I believe that at that point of time, everything would feel different. You cannot forecast the level of happiness or sadness in the future. And you don't need to. Humans are meant to try their best and simply stay positive. God decides.

that reminds me that it is ok trying things out - even when they dont work out the way you want them to work out. it does not condemn you a failure for life :) she reminds me to be nice to myself.

so thank you, Diana, for making my day :)

happiness is momentary?

today is the day where i just want to go back to bed and just sleep. deep. long. peaceful sleep. dont mind me. the caffeine, as much i love it, is stuffing up my sleeping patterns. its like you want to sleep and you have been yawning. so you go to bed. but you are not sleeping. your eyes are closed but you dont feel like you are rested.

what.the.fuck.

the busy-ness of life is here. like right her in front of me. and all i want to do is go back to bed. heesh. funny thing this morning as i was travelling across the water. i had this funny feeling. you know, that warm, fuzzy feeling. it was like i was falling in love with life. heh. that momentary exhilliration. happiness.

so i was thinking if happiness happens in short bursts. like when you fully engage in the moment and then its like - whoa. boy. i AM happy. *gRin. and its a nice feeling even when it lasted only for a while. i meant its like, a high. u know. its almost weird. but i like it.

dont worry about the ramblings. absolutely useless. or maybe, just maybe, that momentary high is what we are continuously searching for in our lives? that one thing we regard as happiness is like ... err... a momentary high? and IF that is really the case, then how is it even possible for us to have a high that is by nature momentary/temporary into something permanent/long lasting.

you see what im saying. happiness is momentary - contentment is long lasting? can somebody like confirm this? or not?

its friday and it feels like the week has just started. more like, the start of next week has been brought forward. heesh. and in the typical human the grass is greener on the other side syndrome, i wish im just home alone with nothing to do.

the lil things in life...

spring cleaning your friendship
what a splendid idea. reminds me that i need to maintain some of my friendships.

gossips.
i hate them with a passion. just as well that i dont belong in a group since that is the perfect breeding ground for gossips. i cant stand gossips - they are so useless and most of the time not entertaining at all. but people tell me all things off the record all the time becoz they know that i dont talk about them at all. heesh.

clutter expert.
i want to be a clutter expert. and im gonna start with my wardrobe. back to being my usual wardrobe obsessed self. plus skinny obsessed self. hahaha...

life was so simple

sometimes i think i think about wayyy too much things. and thinking about them gives me a worry - and i dislike this, because i dont like being a worrier. i think about this thing called the future, which is largely a concept. and given the gfc, there is that monetary-related issue called savings. and everytime one talks about (or thinks about) savings, another thing would come to mind: spending. why. because they are dependent on each other.

it is funny that everyone seems to think that i come from a wealthy family. i admit that i have life easier than some people who have to fund themselves through education etc etc. but growing up i didnt have a lot of money on my hands. i had some pocket money - and i admit that the amount was more than the average person would get, and was more than enough to keep me entertained. but compared to the majority of my friends at the time, i only got a fraction of what they got, which is why i say i didn't have a lot of money on my hands. if i want something, i have to mentally calculate how much money i had to set aside and for how long before i could get my hands on it. so im used to saving that way. sometimes i would really love to have a pair of shoes and i have to save for them. or that overseas shopping trip. which then explains why i avoid buying anything full priced.

savings is just one part of this thing called the future that i think about. another thing i think about is job/career. not knowing what you want to do in life is one heck of an irritatingly annoying thing at the back of your mind. or maybe, it is wanting too many things all at once. i dont even know anymore. that question in interviews where they ask you where you would like to be in five years time - well, that is something i find really really REALLY difficult to answer. like honestly, i would like to have a baby boy and be a stay home mum for a while. yea rite.

i wonder how many people out there think about these things and then not knowing the answers. but life goes on so overtime they get used to now knowing and that state of not-knowing becomes normal. then they stop questioning. i wonder how many people would openly admit that they do not know what they want to do in their lives. i wonder how many of them live an empty shell existence. i wonder how many would openly admit that they are not happy. i wonder how many are aware of these facts and then put up a pretension that they are all that.

i reminisce about my younger years and wonder if i ever felt this way. in all likelihood i probably did and then i got busy so i stopped thinking too much about it. the getting busy thing is a perfect escape to everything in life that is why so many people become workaholics. plus they get all that cash and hardly anytime to spend it. so they accumulate wealth and convince themselves that if they are wealthy and busy then they are happy.

why are things always rosier then you reminisce about them. i was thinking about my phd days and now i realise that life was much simpler then. of course i did not think that life was simple in those days. then again, human beings have that ability to keep recalling the roses and not the thorns. so i guess thats to be expected. one day im going to look back to this day and think that life is so simple.

lipstick jungle

im watching lipstick jungle. the only thing i enjoy about this show is the fashionable females in the show - or more precisely, what they wear. hehe. aside from that i dont really care as to what the storyline is all about. it reminds me of watching the oc - i watched it because of marissa cooper. pity that i havent seen much mischa barton around anymore :(

after abstaining from coffee for errr... three four weeks, i have my skinny latte today. and what a high it was. abstinence is useful for boosting the high. its like... spending time apart from your loved ones means that you appreciate your time together more. its nice to be reminded of the ... delicate things in life.

i seriously need some flats that i can walk in. the ones i have are either too loose or slippery :( oh well. shopping here i come ;)

your stolen identity

someone told me that another someone accused me of copying her blog and has written an entry or two about it: that im stealing her identity! conveniently, the entries were deleted by the time i check the said-blog.

whats up with that. accused someone about shit and then delete the entries. heesh.

stand.by.your.FUCKING.opinion.

if anyone has a blog that is similar to your is stealing your identity, that goes for every single person in this planet who has similar blogs. and while we are on the subject, anybody with remotely same hair colour as you is stealing your identity. anybody with the same hair style or hair dresser is stealing your identity. or copying you. or whatever you put on it.

the world does NOT revolve around you. people do various things without intending to copy you or be you - heck, you are not even on my mind when i set up this blog. and seriously, what about this blog is a copy of your blog.

if you cant present your facts, the just shut up and for fuck's sake stop personalising everything.

its official

its official.

you
are
fucking
CRAZY.

declaring to the whole world that you love me is not going to bring me back to you - ever. i have plenty of people who love me and they do NOT do the things that you do to me. so do not tell me what love is for i know what it is not.

its like you are in a fight. in a fight with whom?

maybe i am not with you because i do not want to be with you. because i want to be with someone else who loves me like he loves himself and even more and is not afraid to show me that every single moment, every single day. and for us, loving each other means we do not talk badly behind each other's back. for us, we are a team and we do everything together and we would not do anything to make the other looks bad ever.

but you are too concerned about making yourself look better and being always right. all the while pointing out my mistakes and every single thing that i went wrong. and then you accuse me of being incapable of self reflection.

you want to talk about self reflection - go and walk in front of a mirror. there you can start performing your own self reflection.

you are a two-faced jerk. go to hell.

come what may

its saturday. i woke up to some sort of bliss, the same familiar hunger pang, the same path to the fridge in search for any left overs that i could eat. the left over meatballs from two weeks ago had my name written all over it, so i boiled some dried spags and successfully warmed up the whole house. the remedy to winter to fight it with cooking. use the stove and the oven. cook caserolles and anything that requires long slow cooking. awesome-ness to the core.

that was the very meatball bolognaise sauce that was loaded with wine so much so that all we could taste was the alcohol. yes it was that bad. and that is largely thanks to rusty if not non-existent cooking skills of yours truly. after a banger and mash with onion sauce later, everything was redeemed. even the boy mentioned that it was his first time eating everything home-cooked from start to finish in a while now. awww. the boy knows how to hit the soft spot.

saturday oh saturday. how i love thee saturday. currently chatting with a sweet heart in LA talking about the weird things people do. like what they would do to have a husband/wife. i wouldnt even want to call it significant other for i bet they dont know each other for that long before they were married. yet again, its a pretty common phenomenon so i guess i better just accept it for what it is. no, it is not that it is weird like that - it is weird becoz someone i know engaged in that sort of shit behaviour. having actively been pursuing so many girls in the past, and utilising all possible ways to do so, only to, uhm well, resort to the more "traditional" proven way of doing so.

[if you so happen to be reading this, then oops, i guess too bad. but dont you worry - the possibility of your wife reading this entry is oh-so-minutely-small that is almost non-existent, at least virtually anyway. so breathe now bro and lets recap the story that there was.]

the first time you took me out was due to some hidden, ulterior motive: you wanted to date the roomie. the roomie who never answered your call. never returned your calls/messages. in short, the roomie who was not interested in you, or at least, not interested in wasting her call credits on you. after you got the "if you want the girl then YOU gotta work on it" from me, you got very pissed off. heh, who wouldnt be rite? and in my usual trademark of cuek to the core, i just completely ignore the whole shit incident.

endless msn chats later, we were onto our second dinner. [note: these didnt and would not qualify as dates EVER, please, i even paid for my own meals.] then you miraculously got this stomach problem in the middle of your meal and had to drive me home straight away - picking the long route, hello? then you poured out all your relationship histories about the girls who left you while promising you the world. and then somehow, i got dragged into the whole thing - you are going to leave to oz and forget about me. woo hooo. time out. like, we were in a relationship? since when? was i on glue or did we not date ever?

i got home and was just happy to be home. the family was entertained by the whole ordeal. a few weeks later i gotta fly back and i sent the polite thank you for your companion whilst im here. im flying home in a few hours. never mind all of your stinking apologies about what happened while refusing to acknowledge the fact that you were being such a jerk.

nevertheless, i got home and the msn decency lasted for a while. until one day i told you of some issue ive got in relation of a man who thought that i was in a relationship with him and kept on emailing, smsing and doing the whole chacha. to which your reply was: tell him you've got a boyfriend who lives in chinohills. oops.

[i can understand if you live in hollywood or OC ... not that im someone who would judge others based on the demographics of their residence. but puh-leasseee. i live in one of the good suburbs in sydney and i dont even brag about it. its a previlledge and it makes me happy - and that is all there is to it :)]

earlier in the year, you got back home to find a bride, and found a bride and got married recently. this is the "traditional" method that i was referring above. you are not the only one who engages in this kind of behaviour, so i guess its pretty common.

what is it about men once they hit 30s, its like they have this urgency to settle down. ok, so some girls have it as soon as they turn 20, and some, like yours truly, do not even want to settle down when they were 25. its NOT like settling down is a bad thing, it is not, in fact, done with the right person, it is actually a good thing. finding the right person is of course a different story altogether. it requires investment in time and effort and of course, money. afterall how would you know how compatible you are if you dont spend time together?

as it turns out, once they talk themselves into this whole thing of time is running out, the sense of urgency kicks in and hoola, i have to have a potential wife. then the dating frenzy begins. plus the bold-ness of asking every attractive looking girl for her number. hehe. then the calling frenzy ensues. the desperation that gets even worse with every rejection encountered. plus a crazy stint of justifying why you should not go into a relationship with someone who could be a potential.

man man man. don't you know that girls in general can sense your desperation - the way you claim to be able to sense the girls' desperation. like you would know which girls are the ones who slept around and which girls are not. like you would know that this girl is a wife material because of who she really is and not because of her potential bank account balance (or the fact that her family is pretty prominent in town). but it just doesnt occur to you, to just breathe and take it easy. and that if you really want something THAT badly, then you would focus your efforts on getting it, and chance is that, you would get it anyway.

i guess im dreaming. these days, that kind of quiet confidence and composed humility is just too rare to mention. at every opportunity people would brag about anything that they can brag about - the size of their family's bank account, the designer labels that they wear and sport in their wardrobe, the educational degree they have attained as evident in the letters following their name - amongst many things. even worse are those who brag about their family connections and where they live and the car that they drive. seriously. brag about anything under the sun.

i cannot and will not stand such kind of behaviour. and in fact, people who are like that do not score very highly in my books. which means given the option, i probably would not want to return your calls/emails/sms. but then i would - because im nice like that.

have a good weekend.

blame it on the sickness

i keep telling myself that im on my way to recovery. thats like the only thing you can do when you are still sick, but sorta well enough to do light stuff. then you try to concentrate on doing the things that really matter and you get light-headed so you gotta stop. heesh.

on the upside i should be able to resume normal life like next week. hehe. which is good because im so looking forward to just be able to do stuff again. might as well make the most of what ive got rite ;)

its raining again!!! the beauty of being in this place is that you can see the rain without caring the slightest bit - provided that of course you dont need to be anywhere outside the home. hehe. otherwise, nothing a huge umbrella cant fix.

this is one heck of a rollercoaster of emotion. one day i can be excited about the almost-nothingness. the next day, i can be severely depressed about the same thing. i blame this to the sickness. oh well.

headache

the throbbing headache is persistent, much to my dismay. the insecurities are lurking in once again. i hate hate HATE this feeling and admitting it does not make it any better. yet honesty, as some say, is the best policy. thus one would strive to be honest with oneself so that one knows that one has given it one's best.

what do you say to a friend who has confessed her soul to you telling you all of her deepest secrets, only to realise that she is feeling some of the things that you are feeling. what do you say when you realise that you have no answer for her. what words of encouragement can you offer to those who are tired of trying.

enough of this stint of trying out what your heart's desire because if you look deep enough that is not what your heart's desire. hah. surprise surprise. whose desire is it you have been working towards for so long. and if you think once more, does it matter to those whom you know love you to death. you hate the answers to these questions because you know that you have not been staying true to yourself. and really, you do not know what is it that you would hate more. yourself or your choices or both.

and then i thought of that radical change and what i want out of that change. and suddenly i dont mind being the odd one out again. afterall, why do you want to be like anyone else?

screw you and your perfect world, miss know it all with stinking attitude. at the rate you are alienating all the people around you, i wont be surprised if you are slowly killed by your loneliness. between us, its personal, of course. it always is. although i must say, it is flattering to have you being threatened by this humble servant.

two thoughts

its official! being sick is fucking boring.

my fever is gone! yeay! so lets just get rid of the rest of the crap and then im good. its day 5 of being sick. my fever was not there on day 2, then i went out and did some errands. came home and got worse! so now im scared of leaving the house :(

i blame it on the weather. speaking of which, today is COLDER than yesterday. i am so NOT a winter person. unlike the boy who was born right smack in the middle of winter - he feels right at home. no complaints there. ;) opposites attract.

***

been wondering on a new career path - again. heck. why am i so fucking indecisive when it comes to this area of my life. so really, aside from the fact that my career is pretty much undecided, everything is fabulous! i blame myself. heck, i used to say that "the most interesting person i know still does not know what he wants to do at 40!" hehe. the uncertainty and the lack of direction is killing me. maybe because im not attacking the issue actively enough? nehhh... uh...

so yeah, lets see. lets just see. and i hope that serendipity takes its course - like it always has.

faith

for the record, i think Michael Jackson is innocent. and to whoever is accusing him - i hope you are happy that you have destroyed one of the best artists that ever was. i cant believe the extent people would go just to get his money - the money that belongs to him and not to anyone else. why do people want other people's money anyway. whatever happen to just working hard for your money.

this cold is still weighing me down. and funny that im still largely sleepy the whole day today, despite not taking any panadol. i guess that is the landmark of sick people - they just want to sleep - and that is it. im seriously sleepy that i am fighting to keep my eyes open. i touch-type so it doesnt matter that much. hehe. freaky isnt it.

just tired from being sick. and from life in general. and still need to figure out what is it that i want to do with my life. seriously, im so passion-less at this point in time :( im capable of doing whatever needs to be done. sometimes faith is the only thing that sustains you.

we've got net

eh eh. i didnt die. i am just down with the cold :(

that means my boy is frantically unpacking and cleaning and doing all these sort of stuff that we are supposed to do together while im strapped in bed battling to breathe with my nose. heessh. praying hard its not swine flu. cant be. i did not even travel anywhere. like seriously. in the days that i contracted the frikkin flu i was home home home.

unless of course some nasty virus has decided to take hostage of my body - somehow :(

so aside that i have difficulties breathing and intermittently coughing phlegm and that my ears are super painful - im ok and most importantly, still alive.

finally moved everything from pyrmont. left the keys there too sis. i hope u get to see it when ur back.

thanks for letting me stay when i needed it most. i wish everyday that things could be different between us, but im coming to terms with those differences and i hope you do too. some things we cannot agree on - not right now, not ever. i dont hate you for that - i dont hate you ever. im just tired of bashing my head into the same walls over and over again. for fuck's sake, im bleeding already. can u just buy me lots of drinks the next time we meet :)

on a brighter note - we FINALLY get internet today. delivery guys to this place - take note. you gotta walk down the stairs, damn it, since you CANNOT buzz your way in. lazy assholes. there is not even a buzz for our place. *roll eyes.

we have to make follow up calls to various people only to be told that the effin' modem is not going to be delivered till monday, unless if we want to pick it up from the warehouse somewhere in Alexandria. heesh.

enihoo. now connected. super happy.

can this cold just gooo awayyyy far far awayyyy so that i can just get on with my life!

last moments

spent the arvo packing instead of helping boy shifting. heh, thats my bit - to pack all that i have here!!! so its like four loads on his car. plus one load to the removalists' van. deflated that air bed for frikkin half hour at least. man, being thick, its really good to sleep in and difficult to manage, in terms of inflating and deflating. right now, just tired. and still have to move one load. in the dark. oh well.

then we would be all moved in. well, at least i would be. i wonder if boy would be. i hope so too.

michael jackson passed away yesterday - the first thing i found out when i was chatting with nat. now i regretted not going to his concert while i was in sgp. :( i guess there can never be another MJ concert. i just love the man. his dancing. his songs. i was sad that he was not singing and dancing anymore. sigh.

i would like to say that everyone in my family loves michael jackson - but truth is i think its just me and dad. the rest - they just dont care. in fact, thinking about this reminds me of another childhood "thing" that may answer why im scared of passion. its my (bio) mum. she used to scold me when i was overly excited about things :( now i dont want to grow up becoz i felt cheated of not having that chance to be excited like normal kids do.

then there is my (step) mum who is trying to undo all the damage - and my heart goes out to her.

one hour and a pizza later...

last batch of the move - and then, home sweet home.

last morning

last morning in pyrmont. used up the last of the milk. hehe. what a timing.

last night was so damn tired. but woke up in the middle of the night and unable to get back to sleep. when i fell back to sleep it was like... er... morning. so i got up and made my coffee and pack my shoes. gee! those things take so much space. i still havent finished packing them. oh well.

nothing too memorable really, except for the fact that it was the last night and today is the last day. no more bathroom fighting!!! no more worrying about clashing schedules - except with boy, but thats supposedly relatively easier since he is wayyyy more understanding than some people.

i love my boy, although i really want to get away from all the home cleaning and unpacking. not very domesticated at all!!! and looking forward to all-day sleeping tomorrow. that is like RARE these days.

random blog walking

the more i think about it, the more i realise that i have been very lucky. getting into uni was a battle of the hsc, and i got into what i wanted at the time. and education-wise, i have always managed to get the best available. i have never had the anxieties associated to being rejected into the faculty/uni that i want to get. and all this time, i have been taking this smooth ride for granted. >_< i should be thanking GOD for the relative ease that i get into uni. i feel absolutely ungrateful and extremely bad about it. sigh.

blog-walking has its advantages, i suppose. and it is nice to read personal blogs where you get a glimpse of people's lives. like reading those of the ones who are in love makes you think that life is good :)

tomorrow would be the first day of the 10 days of no-internet :( on the upside, i cant wait to fall asleep and wake up next to my boy. *hugs

pre-moving

the bed is now officially gone. it belongs to someone else. someone whom hopefully will have as much adventures as we had *wink.

the weekend was gone largely to making the move-in preparation, mostly cleaning and pest-bombing the place. im not sure if the pest-bombing works, nonetheless, it makes us feel better. the place is filthy - and thats for the record. i have never scrubbed as much skirting in my life. and boy has never cleaned as much as he did in his life either.

in replacement of my now-sold bed is a super thick queen-sized air mattress. the thickness is thrice that of normal air mattress. we bought it this morning plus a motorised pump. post cleaning, boy dropped me home and wanted to set up the mattress. before he found out that the pump could not run on ac power and had to be recharged for 12 hours.

uh oh. time for plan b.

we did not have any.

plan b came in the form of a leaking small foot pump. my boy decided to pump the mattress by hand and was diligently pumping for at least half an hour (the mattress is thick), sweating and all. this after he was all flat out tired from cleaning "our place".

this is why my boy is the best out of any other ex-boyfriends and boyfriend-wanna-bes out there - because not only he is around, but he is also willing to go the extra mile to make my life better without me asking him. the fact that he volunteered to do so makes his action all the more thoughtful and sincere and now im nested comfortably in the bed and wish that he is snuggling with me.

bliss

finally, we are there. picked up the keys this arvo. dropped by the place after work. pleasantly surprised at how much space we have. shocked at the distance from the train station but we will manage. or rather, i will manage. somehow. somethings in life we just gotta get used to. *wink.

walking around the neighbourhood was pleasant. i was thinking - i could get used to this. *gRin.

tonight marks the last nite i will be sleeping on this bed. tomorrow it shall belong to someone else. hehe. lots of memory here. boy is more sentimental about this than me! heh. i really should stop thinking about it, else i get sentimental too. not such a good idea for the time being. given that i already have a headache - and i dont know why.

nonetheless... im happy.

ps. i officially need walking shoes.

that point

you know that point where you just cant be bothered to argue. well im at that point. im not sure which is worse: that point or the point where you just dont care. i wonder if i can still be bothered to argue when i dont care. maybe not. so probably they are just the same. i guess i thought i cared, and it turns out, i didnt.

the rain is pouring outside yet it does little to cleanse our souls. in the unknown dreamland the rain would wash away all the pretension. the masks we've been wearing. the shield of ignorance we have been wearing - i have been wearing. i refuse to be a part of your game, yet i have been totally sucked into it. i have done little to resist it. but right now im deliberately distancing myself. because i have lost myself once in the maze of your emotional games. im still figuring my way out but i do want to get out.

i dont ever recall anything soothing and sincere - and it kills me. life can be harsh like that. and one has to move on. the sooner the better. yet we all love dramas in our lives. it enhances the roles we are playing. the scenes of our lives that are so out-of-the-ordinary yet slowly becoming ordinary, because the out-of-the-ordinaries have become the norm. suddenly we are not so unique anymore.

i yearn for my simple, undramatic (boring) life back.

time travelling is a bad idea

i brought myself back to that one point in time whereby i was lying wide awake in bed, wondering what was it that went wrong. i yearned so much to just hold on to the one thing that i thought might not change, but it did change and i was too tired to protest and request that things be put back where they were. quite unfortunately, i didnt and still dont have one place in the world that i can just return to anytime and call it home. if anything i must create it myself. i should know because in the past 21 months and counting i have been calling this living room my place of abode. it was not home and it is not home. that much i know. the hostility i received from the queen of double standards consolidates the feeling. thanks for letting me stay really. i dont wish to repeat the experience.

that time when i was wide awake in bed, i could not stop wondering what went wrong. the exercise that costed me my daily sleep. i could not answer it then and cannot answer it now. somethings in life we are not meant to answer. nonetheless i fell asleep with the mental exhaustion. why do we always yearn for that one thing we cannot have. the one thing that can make me green with envy is really the one thing in life i know i can never have. but im lucky that i get a taste of it every so now and then. ironically enough that is my saviour from the green-eyed monster. some kind souls out there who are more than willing to share. im forever grateful.

that time when i finally fell asleep i was awoken quite rudely from the walking time bomb. it was ticking ever so loudly with fuses that threatened to explode with even the slightest move. difussing it was out of the question, although any explosion was perhaps best done away from civilisation. our humanity was challenged. my instinct was to run away to the only safe harbour i had left. i left the tumbling ruins and jumped off the turbulent ride to disaster in an attempt to safe myself. and i saved myself all these while, only to endanger myself all over again. this is the last time. ever.

somethings gotta give

its very near. very VERY near. there is no need for further hostility. but then we are still ignoring each other so go figure. huHA. who gives a fuck anymore. if it makes you feel better, you and your fucking double standard makes me PUKE. i cant stand it and unless you can start treating your family better, then really dont even think about imposing a different standard on me. seriously, you are such a selfish bitch. and my respect to you is running at a very fast rate.

oh well. somethings gotta give eh. at least you are the epitome of not-to-be.

****

not long to go. and by saturday, my bed would belong to another owner. so much memories with this bed. *gRin.

At the most extreme end of things, it is ruled by megalomaniacs with little knowledge of the world away from the catwalk and who treat outsiders with contempt. The designers are despotic control freaks, while the magazine journalists are freeloading, power-crazed, nut-jobs with an overblown sense of their importance. And I speak from experience.

From here.

ban serep

seputar kemarin malem. suddenly i can bring him just becoz jd is not in town. yeah yeah. like he wants to come now, after all the shit that happens. and sure, you can tell them all you like - whatever. not like i give a shit. but one day they will find out what happened and then they can decide for themselves. no matter the words you chose to tell them, what matters were the words you used with me. and dont try me when it comes to words. you wont like the outcome.

you want to know where i was. never mind that you dont, im gonna tell you anyway. i was invited to his family dinner. and since i was invited, i had to attend. its nice to know that there are families out there who are decent and welcoming. unlike the one i have right now who is deliberately excluding him. of course you are not wrong since technically he is not family. afterall, he is just someone who happens to matter a lot to me, and who am i again? im the rebel child, the black goat of the family, so really, including me is painful enough, why allow me to bring someone who is very likely to be on my side.

i was warned about you, but it is only now that i notice how cunning you are. on one side, i go - wow. on the other side, its like KENTUT. two-faced.

some things dont change

you know when they say "the silence was so thick we could cut it with a knife". well now i know what it feels like. more like reminded all over again what it feels like.

heesh. mau hidup tenang itu ternyata perjuangan keras. makanya ironis kalo hidup sudah tenang terus merasa bosen. terkadang manusia memang sering engga jelas.

so now what. you want me to pretend? previously, i would have done it. i would pretend that we are one big happy family when it matters the most. but right now, im done pretending.

yea yea yea. call me holding grudges and all that shit. no matter. you are on your own. its not like you need me anyway. now now. dont deny it. you know its true.

people dont change. its just too hard.

i will just give you the finger.

the pretender

maybe it is too much to ask. and i asked anyway because i just couldnt stand being someone who is just a fraction of your vision of the perfect life. because insofar that i can stand it - sure; and if i couldnt, then really, i'd rather not. whats the point of being if you are just an accessory of someone's life. yeah, you tell me. but you, you would not know, because put simply, in just NEVER crosses your mind that you were out of line.

i get that you think you are running the whole fucking family - and you may be right. that you are like the mother superior of this family because the mother was not being a mother. (in fact, i wonder if she knows what being a mother is all about - never mind.) and to quote your own words, if i dont tell you this, then who would. haha. no, dont you worry, i wont tell you. because i just cant be fucked. yea yea yea, just do whatever you fucking want. dont ask me to be a part of it.

because im sick and tired of being unheard and misunderstood all the time. because im sick and tired of pretending that everything is alright when it is clearly NOT. pretension is your forte - i get it. TOTALLY. so off you go - pretend all you like. leave me out of it. there you go - my support comes from the lack of resistance.

you can tell yourself that you are doing this for my own good - that if its not you then who else. sure. convince yourself that you are the angel. the saint. whatever. or rather, more precisely, convince yourself that im the dark angel. the sinner. at least im honest. i never declare that im an angel. or a saint. or anything else along those lines. im just genuine. and that is more i can say when it comes to you.

one day, when someone out of your partner's family is organising a dinner and you are not invited, then you would know. but i hope your partner's family is better than that - and they probably are. so you would be spared this ordeal. but someone close to you may not. life has a way to bring things back to you. dont worry, you are not missing out on anything.

i think its the way she talks.
she is able to comfort and understand simultaneously by saying a few words. the most powerful words of all. the most useful. the most nurturing. encouraging. loving. caring. you name it. thirty minutes later it was all over. but the feeling lingers for days, months, years. i want to come back for more.

im reading a motivational book.
otherwise known as a self-help book. one of those books that is designed to make you more reflective of your life. and i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me, but ever since i started reading these books like a decade ago, my issue still revolves around this one thing.
the one thing that is driving me CRAZY right now. how can someone who has been largely absent in your life is able to impose so much control and inflict so much damage! its like doing all the shit that the books suggest OBVIOUSLY did not get rid of the problem. im at a loss frankly. but i want to solve this once and for all. because i cannot stand living a single second of my life being affected by this shit.

yes it is amazing how much your parent(s) can fuck you up.

OMFG
OMFG
OMFG
OMFG
OMFG.



what is it that i have to do to just simply MOVE ON with my OWN life.

THAT kind of feeling

u know that kind of feeling. the one that makes you want to kill yourself.

well, thats my cup of tea this morning.

no, i havent killed myself yet, and have no intention to. its just a stupid feeling. silly-muthafucka-piece-of-shit.

dad, if your reading this, i love you.

im supposed to be doing work today. but since my contract is ending in two weeks, im seriously lacking motivation. oh well. i really should get the shit done and then that would be it. and then i have the time to decide which stuff i want to do next. i admit that studying is appealing, but the price tag attached to it is not. and i can incur some serious debt courtesy of the oz govt, but i really cant be fucked. although if i do take that path then that would be my only option since i dont want to ask my dad for some $ for school - again. and besides, on the grand scale of things, i prefer to work. yes, you read it right. or actually, i want to earn money. if earning money is possible without work then that would be it. weeehhh.

life has this funny way with me. at this time last year i was too busy doing something that i barely do at the moment - and little did i know that it was short-lived. but it was great while it lasted though. and the scary shit is that im so used to this condition of not-knowing that i no longer feel bothered by it. like i give no shit while still giving a shit. a zen-like state of not-knowing. ignorance is a fucking pure bliss.

i just want to get away - away from all of the shit that has been crowding my life. especially from people who are too busy either with their kids or preparing the arrival of their kids. yeah yeah. sure your excited - you should be. forgive me for not being excited becoz kids are not my thang you know. maybe i will like one when i have one. but im not gonna pretend that i like them when i dont. just accept it. some people are good with kids. others - like yours truly - just cant be fucked. i would rather go to the movies or watch a DVD marathon rather than listening to playschool or discussing the size of teats most suitable to which babies.

holy shiat. right now it feels like career-wise im back to square one. or minus one?

i need to perform a radical surgery in my life.

everyday is a long weekend

ah long weekend.

the long weekend that does not feel like long weekend. maybe because most of long weekends just dont feel like long weekends to me - such that i forgot what it felt like. either i have to study or submit some sort of analysis. or that i have been too busy enjoying life that everyday feels like long weekend.

the king of the universe on earth (aka millionaire by nature) called on saturday because presumably he missed his one and only - si bontot. but he would never admit that in a thousand years. salah gue juga sih engga nelpon. pas gue mao telpon dia malah uda terbang lagi. ya uda. tunggu dia balik aja entar gue telpon deh. gue juga kangen sama dia.

finally we have some time to breathe. and we are yearning to settle down. no, not in that sense. in the sense of having our own nook and just be comfortable in it. then i want to explore some new stuff and just fly with it. even when im still not sure what it is. oh what the heck. i may just try all of them since ive got the time now. its nice when you have time. hehe. and in retrospect i should have done this ages ago. then again, i was busy trying other things. i guess it is nice when you finally have the time to do the things that you otherwise would never have thought of. so long as the bank balance still allows you to do so :)

life has its own turns and you just have to navigate your way through. sometimes you want to go through some routes that are not open for public. so you put your application through, and if approved then you have the permission to pass. if not you just have to find other ways to get to your destination. thus, knowing the destination is more important than the route itself.

question is, do i know what my destination is.

i have about three years to kill before i turn 30. and by that time, i hope to achieve even more things. oh well. i guess im finally at that stage where i do think about what i really want before i turn 30. oddly enough, im very very excited.

frustrating as all of these uncertainties may be... they are actually very humbling. and for that, im grateful. very grateful.

the busy bodies

i hope you are happy since you have destroyed all my mental peace away from me. and seriously, engga usah ngurusin hidup gue. urusin aja hidup loe sendiri. gue minta duit dari eloe juga engga. what makes you think im gonna have to answer to you.

yea yea you provided shelter when i needed it most. the shelther that i paid for remember. so really, dont act all saintly and shit becoz it was a simple business transaction. the transaction that u made complicated.

im sick of all your shit.

consolations of frustration aka baby tiger

it wont be long. all of these will change in a short while. and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the only consolation i have on my brain at this point in time. because when the heart fails to understand and to a certain extent has been telling me that im not meant to understand, the brain takes over and provides all of these consolations that are designed to somehow make life and existence more bearable. even when it is only temporarily.

i cant help noticing that it is funny (i find a lot of things in my life as being funny). the person whom im supposedly close with is the person with whom i cannot share my thoughts with at the moment. therefore by definition im not that close with that person. or maybe i have someone with whom im closer with and perhaps it is better that way. there cannot be one person who is everything in our lives. everyone has their roles to play, for a reason, for a season, for a life time. thus i cannot ask anymore from anyone other than their intended role, which most of the time i dont really know - unless it is in retrospect.

but if there is such a thing such as living in heaven and hell at the same time, then i guess this is it. not that i think this is heaven or anything remotely close to it, or that this is hell or anything close to it, it just feels that way. because im back to being uncomfortable in this space i supposedly call my home. and since i never feel at home with it, i just call it my shelter. yea, its warm and its roof is not leaking so it provides a comfortable shelter in winter :) and at least being here i dont have to feel like im freezing my ass off.

yet it is undeniable that there is more to "a home" rather than just physical shelter. it is about mental peace. the thing that i used to feel when i used to have my own apartment. and now im wondering why i decline my dad's offer of my own apartment. because peace is priceless. no matter how cliched it sounds.

of course they would not know - and maybe they would never know forever. i dont see the point of telling them because i dont think it would matter at all. it is not like change can be initiated. and really, im sick and tired having to compromise. yea sure, call me selfish that way - i have never made any claim with regards to me being selfless. so give me a break. im selfish and so be it.

so yeah, im cuek that way. and i think it is for the better that you distance yourself emotionally from all the shit that is in your life. otherwise you would have a shitty life. haha. but when you deliberately create that gap and strive to maintain it, then life gets more bearable.

it wont be long.

bah

you know one of those days where you feel like saying FY to everyone you meet, especially the ones within close proximity to you. you know the day where all you want to do is just give the finger. the day where you want to smack those who want to be understood and refuse to be considerate to other people. well today is one of those days. hah. gah. bah.

usually i give the finger nonetheless (albeit out of sight). today though is the day that i want to show the finger repeatedly. and make sure that the other person knows what it feels to be on my side of things. because quite frankly, im sick and tired having to understand someone who feels entitled to my understanding. seriously, i can take it away anytime i wish - especially if you demand it. yes im crazy like that.

is it just me or is it like me. im the sort of person who dont expect other people to help me. and when they do help me, it is like a pleasant surprise. and as such i cant stand people who expect and/or demand me to do shit for them. if they ask nicely i probably would. if they are being difficult, well they get the finger.

im getting better at ignoring people and their fucking double standards. yea yea yea, you think you are so fucking good that you are like a god and you think the world must bow down at your feet. yea right you stinking attitude piece of shit. if you cant even understand what it means to be a decent human being, then perhaps it is better for you to shut up and learn what being a decent human being is all about.

because quite frankly, i cant stand you much longer.

enjoying life

the little cousin is here. i shared my bed with her - and consequently was unable to sleep properly :( no matter. i love having her here. shes got lots of stories to tell. including those "jangan bilang mami ya". hehe.

i get a lot of "jangan bilang mami" stories. cousins. nephews. nieces. its like our little secret. many little secrets. and it is funny seeing this side of theirs. we were so young. we were basically kids. growing up together. and now here we are as young adults. fumbling along the ride of life. falling down and getting up. moving on with the journey. laughing all the way through.

raiding her lappie for some pictures. laughing at the things that we see. her nephews and all their mischievousness. it is so funny and we just have to laugh. laugh till our belly hurt. and our eyes watery.

it is called enjoying life.

night markets

the night markets at chinatown is back - and this time it looks like they are back for good. ever since it started nearly a decade ago, it was on and off for a while, thanks to this crook who ran away with everyone's money. somehow, everyone got themselves together and woo-la, the night market has been back for quite a while.

i cant help noticing how the food that is sold these days can all be traced back to a restaurant. i seriously long for those homecook, non-professional recipes. not that i buy them (with all the allergies i have), it is just nice to see someone doing well, i think it is kind of a mini accomplishment on their part. yet again, i dont cook, so really i dont know. its like the other day a friend gave me a box of home-cooked meal. my sister reckoned i should have asked her (my friend) for more, because, according to her, if you cook and someone ask for more, that means they like your cooking. i reckon the act of asking more is greedy and just plain rude. i told my friend that i like the food very much and would welcome future endeavours. hehe. anyway im digressing. back to the markets.

so last night we were walking around the market, after watching the darling harbour fireworks and having dinner. i dont know the countless number of times i remind myself that i would like to just munch my way through the market and not have dinner before we start walking around, yet it seems i just keep on forgetting. oh well.

we came across this particular table where counterfeit goods are blatantly on display. any copyright police out there? you would have a field day in chinatown!!! so there is this fake bags being on sale starting from $200 - which i personally think is a rip-off given the poor quality of the bag (come on, its not even leather, just some cheap vinyl/canvas like material). yes, by default, we were supposed to haggle. the chinese are the best at haggling, so if you want to sharpen your negotiation skills, go to chinatown. haha.

ok so its probably bad that i have just stereotyped a particular nation and their habits. yet it is also true. which is why i think the chinese are so rich - because they are so thrifty! hey, no offense ok, my ancestors are all chinese too, and i think i can be very thrifty at times, im just waiting for the day that i become stinking rich. hahaHA.

have a good weekend. im going back to bed.

the changeover

after a day of sunshine (yesterday) it is back to being wet and cold (today). im with the worst stomach pain in history. the side effect of being a woman. that time of the month is here. eating is no longer a pleasure. and my boobs have stopped being that big.

sleeping is a luxury these days. and i still think that it is a waste of time. but right now im in pain. so really all i ever want to do is to sleep. disappear from the world. hope to dismiss the pain in the process. i doubt that would be the case. but then who knows. worth the try. ive got nothing to lose.

till then - nitey nites.

there are five of them

and so the story goes. finally, i get to see it. except that it is actually them. like there are five of them. a couple with background music. im still very much speechless. and i still think the whole thing is exaggerated. or maybe it is just me who doesnt see the big deal in the situation. ok so you are like fifteen and you had sex with your bf (who is more or less your age) and then one of you taped yourselves and the tape leaked all over errr... dont know - internet?

the first thing that came to my mind was - so what. i had enough sense on my mind at the time not to say that (which apparently is the right instinct), so i did not say anything. speechless is the word. when i end up saying something (after serious editing of whatever was on my head) all i said was i am speechless. i know, so redundant. the very fact that i was not saying anything was enough to indicate that i was speechless. nonetheless, given that i was expected to say something, uh well, that was what i said. a simple observation of fact.

a million questions though.
(1) does she know she was being taped? yes. now this one is a bit too obvious. from the way the camera is angled. it was either her or her bf who were holding the camera phone. curse those mobile phones. curse the users. curse. curse. curse. what-da-f*ck were you thinking about? because hell - it sure is not funny.
(2) she was expelled from school - was he too? no idea. no one seems to be following up on this one. i would imagine yes. otherwise its stupid.
(3) why did she admit that it was her - her face was barely in the tape? there was a brief shot of her face. too brief to even work out who it was. and if ever bump into someone on the street that looks like that, i cant even work out who that person is. so yeah, the confession is/was just difficult to understand. maybe honesty is the best policy. lets just hope so.
(4) those were shots of anal sex. this to me means - what is the big deal? kind of along the lines of technically she is still a virgin (assuming that the tape was representative of the sexual activities they conducted). so really, no idea. then again, it was still sex. so go figure.
(5) was it her first time? no. i dont think so. did she enjoy it? hell yes. did he? hell yes. he came! dangerously close to her v*****. lets hope she doesnt get pregnant.

what a way to start sunday morning.

a piece of me

finally, jackets are out. a stack of clothes have been set aside for donation. all of my old jackets are too big so im very tempted to just donate all of them. i used to have a favourite pink coat that i just dont find attractive anymore. i was walking around the city in it last night and im not sure if it was because it was pink or because it was too loose that i felt self conscious. time to let go.

i kept it because i liked it. in some ways i cant explain, its like a piece of me is in it. maybe because it was a favourite once upon a time. like five years ago to be precise. well worth every penny i have spent on it.

oh well. maybe a picture - and that would be it.

away from materialism

i wonder how difficult it is to steer away from materialism.

as the weather is getting steadily colder with each passing day in sydney, i am digging for my jackets. from the suitcases of clothes that are currently in my possession. either i am disorganised or i just have too much clothes or i just forget where i put the jackets that i am currently searching for (or more like all of the above), i just have not been able to find the ones that i want to wear.

i end up finding old jackets and sweaters that i dont even know still in my possession, i thought i donated them ages ago. nonetheless, i am putting them into a pile to donate. its about time - and it should have been done a long time ago. think about all of those people who can wear them and be spared from the cold.

...

if i think about how much shopping i have done during my life - oh well, in the past few years at least - i am feeling kinda sick. i guess it is true - i do shop too much. this is as close to a confession of a shopaholic that i would ever get: hi my name is belle and im a shopaholic.

im on this bet with myself that im not going to buy anything until the end of financial year sales. well that is going to be soon, or so i hope, and so im having another bet that im not going to buy anything that is not work-related. heh. and if i can get it free (read: hand-me-downs) then sure, i will go for it. provided they fit though.

i nearly lost that bet when i nearly bought a shirt the other day. i came home to find a stack of shirts in one of the suitcases. oh well.

value

my latest annoyance is eating in places where the decor is hip, the prices are crazy and the food is mediocre at best.

sure i know that they exist to make money, yet care to deliver some value. if your food is delicious then sure you can charge the premium as much as you want. but if your food is mediocre and you are charging that ridiculous premium on location and ambience - that is just rip off to me.

and it really does not help to have a waitress who keeps interrupting on your conversation. seriously, if you are a waitress/waiter and you are reading this - customers like me do not want this. we want to have a conversation with our friends and we do not want any interuption. if we need your service we would call you - and it would be great if you can show up then. if you want to appear busy, how about cleaning the table. seriously.

i would love to go to a restaurant where decor is non-existent (but clean) and the food is a killer. if the price is cheap then that would be this thing i call value. and then, i may consider tipping you ^_^

yearning for cooking

it is so cold today. it was freezing this morning. its like winter is already here.

i have the yearning for cooking and i have no idea why. i mean ever since i ve been living with my sista and her hubby, the rate of me cooking is virtually non-existent. i will not say that i like cooking - please, if that were the case then i would have been cooking everyday. but i have the yearning for it. maybe i m becoming more domesticated. or maybe this is a sign of getting older. maybe this is a sign of wanting to settle down. haha.

so i was just thinking how nice it would be at this point in time if i were to sit down with a bowl of warm soup. hmmm. just thinking about it makes me smile. yes, it is such a far cry from the bowl of wedges i had for lunch. with enough grease that im sure would be responsible for getting me a heart attack one of these days.

suddenly, getting an apartment and start living a life here is not so bad afterall. yet again, it is only recently that i start thinking about it. this morning i caught a glimpe of this girl's property investor magazine and all of this thing about getting your money to work harder for you. and i guess that is the thing - you start early, tied down to a mortgage and a lifetime active management of your portfolio. at least in the early stages, you may not be able to afford a holiday. if you are really brilliant, you get to do all of them. that is if you are really brilliant.

its so cold and my fingers are frozen and im seriously yawning and wishing that i can just sleep. get back to bed, close my eyes and forget about the world. but i have work to do and so that would have to wait till tonite.

words

“It shows how much impact words have. Someone sent me an e-mail and said, ‘Your words become your action, action becomes your behavior, your behavior becomes your character, character becomes destiny.’ I hope that this brings greater understanding among people to show that words have meaning and can affect where you go in life.”

From here

a delicate perspective

so i was thinking last night - i am ok. really.

i am not dying, i am not with a chronic disease. i can still think. i can still act. i am not hungry, thirsty, cold or without shelter. i can still go shopping ^-^ and my life is basically in abundance. i have enough things to keep me entertained. i have people who love me and whom i love.

i find some people annoying but not exactly debilitating. and i learn not to take things personally. at times it just so happens that we dont click with someone, just like not everyone who meets us will like us. and that does not necessarily mean we should change ourselves. afterall, we all want to be true to ourselves. [whether we are true or not is totally a different ball game altogether.]

yet in life it is so easy for us to just complain complain and complain because we want the things that we dont have at the moment. such that we forget to be thankful of the things that we already have. at times it is useful to take a step back and be grateful of the things that are right. and never ever take it for granted.

what culture

i added my favourite niece on fb. a few cousins have managed to track me down and added me too. it is becoming a whole lot of family affair. quite understandably, my fave niece is freaking out since she is seeing her aunties and uncles on fb. the thing about the younger generation is that they tend to forget that errr... we are not that much older from them. its funny because her mum is much older than me. heh. so yeah, in terms of age we are not that much older. but we were told to address each other with the words "aunty" and "uncles" and whatever else it may be. i blame the chinese culture. that is why i keep saying im not cultured. seriously - what culture.

i love my parents and i respect them - and i think that is not necessarily dependent on culture. whether one follows whatever their parents say or not - that is not necessarily dependent on culture either. although it is often stereotyped that someone from an "eastern" culture is more likely to listen to one's parents, follow whatever they say and have a much more pronounced sense of family obligation rather than someone from a "western" culture. i personally think these things are dependent on the individual him/herself. so yeah. there goes.

im not cultured really - i do things because i want to, not because im bound by some cultural stuff. banana or egg or whatever else you may think im - it really doesnt matter. if i dont choose to do it then really i wont do it in the first place.

girlfriends

so she is leaving. and im (kind of) sad. i guess its just a natural cycle in life where people move on. do different things. live in different cities. in this case, living close to family. typical.

or maybe not quite so. in a way it is, and in a way it is not. nonetheless, the decision is applaud-able. it is something that she wants to do, for whatever reason that is. i cant help smiling at this thought, because i see time and time again that beauty is within. in her case, it is both inside and outside.

suddenly, time is becoming more precious. every single moment, every single time with her is assuming a greater intensity. sadly, i think i was just beginning to know her. no, thats not true. i know her and her resilience - and that is especially inspiring.

i have the most wonderful girlfriends in this world. my dear girl, good luck in all that you do. and we will see each other soon. very soon.

Moving on

it really is time to move on.

i know i can be pretty indecisive at times. changing my mind every five seconds. changing destinations every five seconds. even my parents cant keep up with me. even i cant keep up with me.

side effect is that I dont take myself seriously. well on occasions like this anyway. there are times where one has to be serious.

this is not a bad thing per se, it is just that at this point in time, it is very annoying. despite the fact that it is normal for anyone to feel at lost upon the completion of a life-phase, usually related to a completion of a major goal in life, it still does not excuse the actual reality. meaning, sure fine - we understand you are confused, but really, would you snap out of it so that you can move on with your life?

deep down i know that it is time to move on. take the plunge and take it as it comes.

change is good. it sustains us. maybe because stagnant conditions kill us. it certainly is killing me.

[dis]connection

my aunty is on facebook. i swear its gonna be just a matter of time before my parents are on facebook. its not like its such a bad thing, in fact, it makes it easier for her (my aunty) to keep track of my activities. to know whats happening in my life. and for everyone else for that matter. not that i put a lot of things on facebook. mostly photos. but it does make getting in touch easier. for that im grateful.

im itching to clean my friends list though. and i kind of hate hate hate how facebook allows strangers to look at one's friend. pffttt. im talking about when you search for someone - you can view their friends. oh well. dont know whats the point of that. its like broadcasting ur friendship to the world. and mine you, some people on facebook i dont even keep in touch that regularly. hahaHA.

i wonder how seriously do people take facebook. and everything that goes in it. given the list of people connected to me, i have been seriously filtering what goes in it and what doesnt. its difficult to be radical when you may be fired just because of that - and mind you, it may not even have anything with your job. it is understandable of course, especially if you are in a profession where whatever you say is equivalent to what your employer say. im talking about public figures. people who are in the 'spotlight' and it is not just about celebrities.

for the rest of the population - really - how serious do we take facebook. if not for things that most people would do ... when they have nothing to do and often on impulse. like the broadcasting of 'hungry' and 'going shopping'. thanks iphone. thanks blackberry. n im fighting hard not to roll my eyes.

same goes with twitter. seriously. i dont want to have people all over the world tracking my whereabouts. close friends and family are previlledged to know that. everyone else can ask me about it - if they want to know.

its funny isnt it. these things make us feel like celebrities in our own right. in our own little world. and perhaps the larger world.

forgive me if i laugh when i read stories where facebook helps prevent suicides. in no way im ridiculing the whole thing - BUT the ones preventing the suicides are human beings who want to engage with other people. apparently, this willingness to engage is just rare these days. a side effect of rapid population growth. we just cant know what everybody is doing anymore. we still want to know though. hehe.

effortless glamor

i think the whole world is addicted to glamor. the whole part of the reason that hollywood is so successful is that it creates the illusion of glamor. in fact at times i think anything that creates the illusion of glamor has a tendency to be attractive. i think as a human being i am still unable to escape the superficiality. guilty as charged. heh. any day i would prefer someone who dresses well, who looks good. but really, if i think about it again, the ones who are most attractive are the ones who are genuinely comfortable with themselves and looks good while doing so. i guess i am pretty visual that way.

not only that person has to look good, s/he has to do it effortlessly. why. because everything in this life is hard work. investment in time. money. heart. to name a few. and no doubt, being comfortable with oneself takes a lot of effort too. the most sophisticated would hide this effort. its like - how the f*ck did you do it. answer: just by doing it :)

and that is why whinging and complaining is so un-cool. and should therefore be reserved to one self. hehe.

Dreams

Dont lose your dreams... you'll lose yourself if you do

Dont worry about what others thought, just be happy that you can turn your dreams into reality

in times like this its better to be single

boy stinked up the bathroom. bah!

Attempt-01

They say acknowledgment is the first step to solving the issue. Well, I have acknowledged it alright. Including my inability to pin-point what the issue is exactly. I do hope that I have done so now, yet I could be wrong.

Assuming that I am not wrong, I have come up with a proposed solution that I think is worth trying. No, this is not the end of the whole issue, this is only the beginning. This "solution" is just the starting solution, the first necessary step. This thing is probably a long-life management kind of thing, so yeah, lets just equip ourselves with something that can assist us to deal with this. When I say we and us, I really mean I and me.

In any case, it is worth trying. And worth taking the risk. Or so we hope. Or so I hope.

Lets have a cooling-down period. And yeah, I need a sign. Soon. Please.

Sunday

Jo came by with KFC. Super sinful. Lettuce and grapes to complement them. They are all in the fridge. She is allergic to wine! There goes the plan to drink with her >_<

Watched Elegy (meaning: a mournful poem; a lament for the dead). It was depressing. Too little sex scenes. Vomited from overdose of KFC. Uh oh. Millionarie for dinner. Jo likes Korean.

Missing boy.

Rollercoaster

Saturday 11 April 2009

Spent the night up with boy. Woke up in the morning for a road trip with old friends. We have known each other for 8 years now. Gee, we are old.

Spent the day enjoying good food and good wine. With good friends. What more can one want out of life?

For a boy who is helplessly and endlessly in love with her.

it remains

even when it is familiar, it remains uncomfortable.
just like everything else in life, this too will pass.
i hope i can go through this unharmed.

i love you and i want you to do all that you want to do.
in doing so you hurt me and i cannot stand to be hurt much longer.
i guess we have to ...

new books

ah, i love books.
and i love them discounted.
viva la recession. tee hee.

These days

... everyone is asking me to hang out at the art gallery and the museums. I am not a big fan of Star Wars so I am going to give the Powerhouse a pass. Besides I am already dating a geek-try-hard. hehe.

Then I thought - just a thought, that maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. Hm. A pretty good idea. Why not :D

A list

So I was looking at this.

And then, I cant help smiling. I need to make a list like that. hehe.

ps. overly-defensive is a sign of insecurity.

Viva la Mondays

Tired and flat out. Looking forward to the long weekend. And not rushing through things.

I cannot stop wondering.

A few days on - and I am still largely annoyed with the whole sh*t. Heh.

Time to move on.

Good news - daylight savings is finally here. Setelah ngeliatin computer clock selama seminggu dan terus kaget2 karena jamnya salah. Puas juga gue boboks :p

Two questions.

Given the chance: would you live your live the way you have always wanted to live it OR would you just resume your life as per normal.

On that note, what is normal anyway.

I cannot stop wondering.

What a whole lot of crap

I am pissed off to the core. Oh well, I was (still am?)

I cannot look at you the same way again. Well at least for two of you. Ratio is two out of four, so its fifty percent. So much for that place being the better place to work. I am beginning to realise that they are just as crappy as each other. I guess there really is no long term future in that place. In those places. So thanks for pointing it out to me :D there is always a silver lining behind the clouds.

Or in this case, the thunder, lightning and the rain.

Hm, on second thought, I know that there is no long term future for me in that place. I cant stand the inefficiency and the general I-am-always-right attitude.

I am working for a good man. An epitome of good character and good attitude. I must say that listening and following his advice tend to work most of the time. Maybe one day if my plans do eventuate, I will hire him to work for me and he can inspire my team the way he is inspiring me at the moment.

It is easy to succumb to pressure and just give up. But fighter gets. So stand up for yourself. That is what courage is all about. [In the same way should I ever find myself stuck in a situation where I see a similar unethical, immoral conducts happening, I would do whatever it takes to rectify the situation. Maybe, just maybe, that whole ethics thing is resonating deep within me.]

[used to] look up to these people

An unexpected thing happened the last 48 hours. Actually, make that 3 unexpected things. That means I am changing my plan. It does not feel right anymore.

Sometimes I dont think people realise the long-term consequences of their present actions. This is something that is really sad because I look up to these people - some of them are younger than me (I dont think age has much to do with it - it is about attitude and character). I can understand that we all make mistakes - and when we do, apologise, fix it asap and move on.

Back to square one. After being back to square one for so many times, it no longer feels as daunting as it used to. I guess that is good. After you have done it so many times, it ceases to be scary. Uda biasa gitu.

Well its friday and the boy has the weekend off. Should be good. Pacaran is heaven!

Lets get philosophical

From here.

this is part of a short speech by the greek writer Aristophanes on the subject of love. prior to this passage, he is telling his audience this myth of how humans originally had two faces, four legs, four hands, two sets of sexual organs. there were also three types of humans - male, female and hermaphrodites (an individual possessing both male and female characteristics and sexual organs). one day, the humans attempted to overthrow the gods, and when the gods saw this, they decided to punish the humans by cutting them in half and then scattering these halves across the world, thus weakening them.

so each human now had one face, two legs, two hands and one set of sexual organs; in other words, they have the human form that we now know of. if they were previously male, then their own other half would be male, and likewise with the females. but if they were previously hermaphrodites, their other half would be of the opposite sex. whichever way, because their natural form had been cut in two, each human longed painfully for its own half.

and thus Aristophanes says:

“this then is the source of our desire to love each other. love is born into every human being, it calls back the halves of our original nature together; it tries to make one out of two and heal the wound of human nature.

and so, when a person meets the half that is his very own, then something wonderful happens: the two are struck from their senses by love, by a sense of belonging to one another, and by desire, and they don’t want to be separated from one another, not even for a moment.

these are the people who finish out their lives together and still cannot say what it is they want from one another. no one would think it is the intimacy of sex - that mere sex is the reason each lover takes so great and deep a joy in being with the other. it’s obvious that the soul of every lover longs for something else; his soul cannot say what it is, but like an oracle it has a sense of what it wants, and like an oracle it hides behind a riddle. suppose two lovers are lying together, and Hephaestus stands over them with his mending tools, asking, “What is it you human beings really want from each other?”

and suppose they’re perplexed, and he asks them again: “Is this your heart’s desire then - for the two of you to become parts of the same whole, as near as can be, and ever to separate, day or night? Because if that’s your desire, I’d like to weld you together and join you into something that is naturally whole, so that the two of you are made into one. Then the two of you would share one life, as long as you lived, because you would be one being, and by the same token, when you died, you would be one and not two in Hades, having died a single death. Look at your love, and see if this what you desire: wouldn’t this be all the good fortune you could want?”

surely you can see that no one who received such an offer would turn it down; no one would find anything else that he wanted. instead, everyone would think he’d found at least what he had always wanted: to come together and melt together with the one he loves, so that one person emerged from two. why should this be so? it’s because, as i said, we used to be complete wholes in our original nature, and now ‘Love’ is the name for our pursuit of wholeness, for our desire to once again be complete.”

Extracted from The Speech of Aristophanes, in Plato’s Symposium.

this speech really resonated with me. for many reasons. it made me think about my own beliefs about ‘The One’, and how it is always so obvious to us when we find our true other halves; when there is affinity, there just is, and you just know. i’m a big believer of affinity, be it towards our partners, potential partners or friends. not all of us are lucky enough to find our The Ones though, or even someone remotely close.. but then there are some of us who do :) and i think when that happens, it is the epitome of harmony and happiness.

it also caused me to think about the question that Hephaestus (the god of craftsmanship) posed to the two humans lying together - what is it that humans really want from each other? it made me think about the reasons we fall in love, the reasons we want to stay in love, and the reasons that make us fight for our love so that we may never lose it. i came up with no answers. i guess we love because we love. i used to hate it when any of my boyfriends say that to me - “i love you because i just do”. i always thought it was such a cop-out answer, something you say when you dont really know why you love the other person. but now i see that there is little more you can add to that, that would add any real, significant, larger meaning to the fact that we love each other. i’ve been asking the wrong question all this time. what i meant to ask was, ‘what do you love about me?’ instead of, ‘why do you love me?’. so silly. i spent so much lost time feeling angry.

Clothing overload

Good morning ;)

Internet shopping is the best! Especially if you open an email that gathers all the sales all over the world. haha. Mostly from the US though. This is why sometimes I wish I live there. I can understand why people rack up credit card debt. The temptation to shop in front of your nose!

Dont you worry, I did not buy anything - simply because I dont know what size fits me these days! haha. Plus I really should be donating my piles of clothes rather than adding to the height. Cuma herannya hari-hari ini males banget sih...

Cant wait for daylight savings to be here. Extra hour of sleep. Mmmm...

Having goals

I am blogging from a public computer. Just for the record.

I was thinking about this thing called having goals. This comes in light of an article I read last night about couples who are retired - and having to find new rhythm in life. I guess, this is what everybody has to go through at the completion of a major goal in life.

Have another goal. And another. And another.

So really, I was thinking, it does not matter where you are in life - being clueless about the next goal is just ... err.. normal. I mean, its like, ok, you can be young, you can be old, if you have no next goal, then you are bound to be confused for a while before you find what your next goal is.

Isnt it funny that people who have retired still need goals - otherwise they would be bored to tears with their newly found freedom.

I find it hillarious. Really.

I think the happiest people in this planet are the ones who are reflective.