consolations of frustration aka baby tiger

it wont be long. all of these will change in a short while. and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the only consolation i have on my brain at this point in time. because when the heart fails to understand and to a certain extent has been telling me that im not meant to understand, the brain takes over and provides all of these consolations that are designed to somehow make life and existence more bearable. even when it is only temporarily.

i cant help noticing that it is funny (i find a lot of things in my life as being funny). the person whom im supposedly close with is the person with whom i cannot share my thoughts with at the moment. therefore by definition im not that close with that person. or maybe i have someone with whom im closer with and perhaps it is better that way. there cannot be one person who is everything in our lives. everyone has their roles to play, for a reason, for a season, for a life time. thus i cannot ask anymore from anyone other than their intended role, which most of the time i dont really know - unless it is in retrospect.

but if there is such a thing such as living in heaven and hell at the same time, then i guess this is it. not that i think this is heaven or anything remotely close to it, or that this is hell or anything close to it, it just feels that way. because im back to being uncomfortable in this space i supposedly call my home. and since i never feel at home with it, i just call it my shelter. yea, its warm and its roof is not leaking so it provides a comfortable shelter in winter :) and at least being here i dont have to feel like im freezing my ass off.

yet it is undeniable that there is more to "a home" rather than just physical shelter. it is about mental peace. the thing that i used to feel when i used to have my own apartment. and now im wondering why i decline my dad's offer of my own apartment. because peace is priceless. no matter how cliched it sounds.

of course they would not know - and maybe they would never know forever. i dont see the point of telling them because i dont think it would matter at all. it is not like change can be initiated. and really, im sick and tired having to compromise. yea sure, call me selfish that way - i have never made any claim with regards to me being selfless. so give me a break. im selfish and so be it.

so yeah, im cuek that way. and i think it is for the better that you distance yourself emotionally from all the shit that is in your life. otherwise you would have a shitty life. haha. but when you deliberately create that gap and strive to maintain it, then life gets more bearable.

it wont be long.

bah

you know one of those days where you feel like saying FY to everyone you meet, especially the ones within close proximity to you. you know the day where all you want to do is just give the finger. the day where you want to smack those who want to be understood and refuse to be considerate to other people. well today is one of those days. hah. gah. bah.

usually i give the finger nonetheless (albeit out of sight). today though is the day that i want to show the finger repeatedly. and make sure that the other person knows what it feels to be on my side of things. because quite frankly, im sick and tired having to understand someone who feels entitled to my understanding. seriously, i can take it away anytime i wish - especially if you demand it. yes im crazy like that.

is it just me or is it like me. im the sort of person who dont expect other people to help me. and when they do help me, it is like a pleasant surprise. and as such i cant stand people who expect and/or demand me to do shit for them. if they ask nicely i probably would. if they are being difficult, well they get the finger.

im getting better at ignoring people and their fucking double standards. yea yea yea, you think you are so fucking good that you are like a god and you think the world must bow down at your feet. yea right you stinking attitude piece of shit. if you cant even understand what it means to be a decent human being, then perhaps it is better for you to shut up and learn what being a decent human being is all about.

because quite frankly, i cant stand you much longer.

enjoying life

the little cousin is here. i shared my bed with her - and consequently was unable to sleep properly :( no matter. i love having her here. shes got lots of stories to tell. including those "jangan bilang mami ya". hehe.

i get a lot of "jangan bilang mami" stories. cousins. nephews. nieces. its like our little secret. many little secrets. and it is funny seeing this side of theirs. we were so young. we were basically kids. growing up together. and now here we are as young adults. fumbling along the ride of life. falling down and getting up. moving on with the journey. laughing all the way through.

raiding her lappie for some pictures. laughing at the things that we see. her nephews and all their mischievousness. it is so funny and we just have to laugh. laugh till our belly hurt. and our eyes watery.

it is called enjoying life.

night markets

the night markets at chinatown is back - and this time it looks like they are back for good. ever since it started nearly a decade ago, it was on and off for a while, thanks to this crook who ran away with everyone's money. somehow, everyone got themselves together and woo-la, the night market has been back for quite a while.

i cant help noticing how the food that is sold these days can all be traced back to a restaurant. i seriously long for those homecook, non-professional recipes. not that i buy them (with all the allergies i have), it is just nice to see someone doing well, i think it is kind of a mini accomplishment on their part. yet again, i dont cook, so really i dont know. its like the other day a friend gave me a box of home-cooked meal. my sister reckoned i should have asked her (my friend) for more, because, according to her, if you cook and someone ask for more, that means they like your cooking. i reckon the act of asking more is greedy and just plain rude. i told my friend that i like the food very much and would welcome future endeavours. hehe. anyway im digressing. back to the markets.

so last night we were walking around the market, after watching the darling harbour fireworks and having dinner. i dont know the countless number of times i remind myself that i would like to just munch my way through the market and not have dinner before we start walking around, yet it seems i just keep on forgetting. oh well.

we came across this particular table where counterfeit goods are blatantly on display. any copyright police out there? you would have a field day in chinatown!!! so there is this fake bags being on sale starting from $200 - which i personally think is a rip-off given the poor quality of the bag (come on, its not even leather, just some cheap vinyl/canvas like material). yes, by default, we were supposed to haggle. the chinese are the best at haggling, so if you want to sharpen your negotiation skills, go to chinatown. haha.

ok so its probably bad that i have just stereotyped a particular nation and their habits. yet it is also true. which is why i think the chinese are so rich - because they are so thrifty! hey, no offense ok, my ancestors are all chinese too, and i think i can be very thrifty at times, im just waiting for the day that i become stinking rich. hahaHA.

have a good weekend. im going back to bed.

the changeover

after a day of sunshine (yesterday) it is back to being wet and cold (today). im with the worst stomach pain in history. the side effect of being a woman. that time of the month is here. eating is no longer a pleasure. and my boobs have stopped being that big.

sleeping is a luxury these days. and i still think that it is a waste of time. but right now im in pain. so really all i ever want to do is to sleep. disappear from the world. hope to dismiss the pain in the process. i doubt that would be the case. but then who knows. worth the try. ive got nothing to lose.

till then - nitey nites.

there are five of them

and so the story goes. finally, i get to see it. except that it is actually them. like there are five of them. a couple with background music. im still very much speechless. and i still think the whole thing is exaggerated. or maybe it is just me who doesnt see the big deal in the situation. ok so you are like fifteen and you had sex with your bf (who is more or less your age) and then one of you taped yourselves and the tape leaked all over errr... dont know - internet?

the first thing that came to my mind was - so what. i had enough sense on my mind at the time not to say that (which apparently is the right instinct), so i did not say anything. speechless is the word. when i end up saying something (after serious editing of whatever was on my head) all i said was i am speechless. i know, so redundant. the very fact that i was not saying anything was enough to indicate that i was speechless. nonetheless, given that i was expected to say something, uh well, that was what i said. a simple observation of fact.

a million questions though.
(1) does she know she was being taped? yes. now this one is a bit too obvious. from the way the camera is angled. it was either her or her bf who were holding the camera phone. curse those mobile phones. curse the users. curse. curse. curse. what-da-f*ck were you thinking about? because hell - it sure is not funny.
(2) she was expelled from school - was he too? no idea. no one seems to be following up on this one. i would imagine yes. otherwise its stupid.
(3) why did she admit that it was her - her face was barely in the tape? there was a brief shot of her face. too brief to even work out who it was. and if ever bump into someone on the street that looks like that, i cant even work out who that person is. so yeah, the confession is/was just difficult to understand. maybe honesty is the best policy. lets just hope so.
(4) those were shots of anal sex. this to me means - what is the big deal? kind of along the lines of technically she is still a virgin (assuming that the tape was representative of the sexual activities they conducted). so really, no idea. then again, it was still sex. so go figure.
(5) was it her first time? no. i dont think so. did she enjoy it? hell yes. did he? hell yes. he came! dangerously close to her v*****. lets hope she doesnt get pregnant.

what a way to start sunday morning.

a piece of me

finally, jackets are out. a stack of clothes have been set aside for donation. all of my old jackets are too big so im very tempted to just donate all of them. i used to have a favourite pink coat that i just dont find attractive anymore. i was walking around the city in it last night and im not sure if it was because it was pink or because it was too loose that i felt self conscious. time to let go.

i kept it because i liked it. in some ways i cant explain, its like a piece of me is in it. maybe because it was a favourite once upon a time. like five years ago to be precise. well worth every penny i have spent on it.

oh well. maybe a picture - and that would be it.